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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Scientists Trace Campus-Wide Pussy Shortage to ZBT House

NEW ORLEANS—Scientists at Tulane University yesterday successfully traced the mysterious pussy shortage that has ravaged the campus to the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity house. “It appears that ZBT men, with their rugged good looks and attractive sweatshirts with sewn-on greek letters, have been too much for the young women of Tulane to resist,” researcher Hester Jones said at a press conference. “To make matters worse, several of the brothers have gone ahead and ‘pinned’ several women, an act that all but guarantees their full sexual allegiance.” Other students on campus, unable to compete with the fraternity’s outrageous theme parties and attractive, well-maintained house (including vomit-encrusted pool table), decried the greed of the fraternity and demanded that ZBT disband immediately. “It takes something extra special to be a brother here,” responded Josh Koss, president of Tulane’s Alpha Mu chapter of ZBT. “And as we say every Monday at our meetings, the brothers of ZBT will be pickin’ up the chicks in ’96.”

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