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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Scientists Trace Campus-Wide Pussy Shortage to ZBT House

NEW ORLEANS—Scientists at Tulane University yesterday successfully traced the mysterious pussy shortage that has ravaged the campus to the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity house. “It appears that ZBT men, with their rugged good looks and attractive sweatshirts with sewn-on greek letters, have been too much for the young women of Tulane to resist,” researcher Hester Jones said at a press conference. “To make matters worse, several of the brothers have gone ahead and ‘pinned’ several women, an act that all but guarantees their full sexual allegiance.” Other students on campus, unable to compete with the fraternity’s outrageous theme parties and attractive, well-maintained house (including vomit-encrusted pool table), decried the greed of the fraternity and demanded that ZBT disband immediately. “It takes something extra special to be a brother here,” responded Josh Koss, president of Tulane’s Alpha Mu chapter of ZBT. “And as we say every Monday at our meetings, the brothers of ZBT will be pickin’ up the chicks in ’96.”

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