adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Scientists Trace Campus-Wide Pussy Shortage to ZBT House

NEW ORLEANS—Scientists at Tulane University yesterday successfully traced the mysterious pussy shortage that has ravaged the campus to the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity house. “It appears that ZBT men, with their rugged good looks and attractive sweatshirts with sewn-on greek letters, have been too much for the young women of Tulane to resist,” researcher Hester Jones said at a press conference. “To make matters worse, several of the brothers have gone ahead and ‘pinned’ several women, an act that all but guarantees their full sexual allegiance.” Other students on campus, unable to compete with the fraternity’s outrageous theme parties and attractive, well-maintained house (including vomit-encrusted pool table), decried the greed of the fraternity and demanded that ZBT disband immediately. “It takes something extra special to be a brother here,” responded Josh Koss, president of Tulane’s Alpha Mu chapter of ZBT. “And as we say every Monday at our meetings, the brothers of ZBT will be pickin’ up the chicks in ’96.”

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close