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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Scientists Trace Campus-Wide Pussy Shortage to ZBT House

NEW ORLEANS—Scientists at Tulane University yesterday successfully traced the mysterious pussy shortage that has ravaged the campus to the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity house. “It appears that ZBT men, with their rugged good looks and attractive sweatshirts with sewn-on greek letters, have been too much for the young women of Tulane to resist,” researcher Hester Jones said at a press conference. “To make matters worse, several of the brothers have gone ahead and ‘pinned’ several women, an act that all but guarantees their full sexual allegiance.” Other students on campus, unable to compete with the fraternity’s outrageous theme parties and attractive, well-maintained house (including vomit-encrusted pool table), decried the greed of the fraternity and demanded that ZBT disband immediately. “It takes something extra special to be a brother here,” responded Josh Koss, president of Tulane’s Alpha Mu chapter of ZBT. “And as we say every Monday at our meetings, the brothers of ZBT will be pickin’ up the chicks in ’96.”

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