Scientists Trace Campus-Wide Pussy Shortage to ZBT House

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Vol 47 Issue 18

Area Woman Marries Into Health Insurance

SAN FRANCISCO—The motives of local woman Janet Debois, 28, came under scrutiny Sunday following accusations that she had only married Vince Davidson, 31, for his generous health insurance policy.

U.S. Sets Tornado Record

The National Weather Service reported a new record for number of tornadoes in a day, with 312 counted in a 24-hour period last week.
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Scientists Trace Campus-Wide Pussy Shortage to ZBT House

NEW ORLEANS—Scientists at Tulane University yesterday successfully traced the mysterious pussy shortage that has ravaged the campus to the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity house. “It appears that ZBT men, with their rugged good looks and attractive sweatshirts with sewn-on greek letters, have been too much for the young women of Tulane to resist,” researcher Hester Jones said at a press conference. “To make matters worse, several of the brothers have gone ahead and ‘pinned’ several women, an act that all but guarantees their full sexual allegiance.” Other students on campus, unable to compete with the fraternity’s outrageous theme parties and attractive, well-maintained house (including vomit-encrusted pool table), decried the greed of the fraternity and demanded that ZBT disband immediately. “It takes something extra special to be a brother here,” responded Josh Koss, president of Tulane’s Alpha Mu chapter of ZBT. “And as we say every Monday at our meetings, the brothers of ZBT will be pickin’ up the chicks in ’96.”

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