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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Scientists Warn All Plant Life Dying Within 30-Yard Radius Of Ted Cruz Campaign Signs

ITHACA, NY—Warning that the flora in the immediate vicinity withers and turns black at an alarming rate, scientists from Cornell University alerted the public Monday that all plant life within a 30-yard radius of each of presidential candidate Ted Cruz’s campaign signs is rapidly dying off. “Within several hours of placing a ‘Cruz 2016’ placard into the ground, it appears that a fast-spreading blight begins to emanate outward in all directions from the sign, desiccating and destroying every blade of grass, flower, and tree in its path,” said researcher Martha Pastuck, adding that tests of the soil beneath the Ted Cruz yard signs revealed it to be highly acidic and often scalding to the touch. “We’ve also recorded several instances of heavily rotted deer carcasses found lying nearby, likely after the animals ate some of the afflicted foliage. We would recommend that all people, especially the elderly, infirm, and pregnant women, maintain a safe distance from all Ted Cruz signage.” Pastuck added that the research team can only comment on the conditions surrounding individual Cruz placards, noting that lawns or highway medians containing multiple signs are undergoing too much seismic activity to safely approach.

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