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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Scientists Warn Ionosphere One Top-40 Hit Away From Exploding

LOS ALAMOS, NM—Astrophysicists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory issued a nationwide alert Tuesday, warning that exposing the ionosphere to even one additional chart-topping pop, rock, or dance radio wave could cause the electrically conductive layer of atmosphere to violently burst. "We've recklessly bombarded the ionosphere with contemporary favorites all throughout the '80s, '90s, and today," said Dale Harrigan, a member of the lab's Space and Atmospheric Sciences Group. "The high altitude discharge caused by a growing concentration of Mariah Carey megahits and ionized platinum singles is, in itself, enough to cause the entire region to ignite. God forbid someone remixes Rihanna's hot new track, 'Umbrella.'" According to the scientists' assessment, even the smallest rupture in the ionosphere would cause radio waves to bounce back to the surface of the Earth, slowly melting the entire planet's population from the inside.

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