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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

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Scientists Warn Ionosphere One Top-40 Hit Away From Exploding

LOS ALAMOS, NM—Astrophysicists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory issued a nationwide alert Tuesday, warning that exposing the ionosphere to even one additional chart-topping pop, rock, or dance radio wave could cause the electrically conductive layer of atmosphere to violently burst. "We've recklessly bombarded the ionosphere with contemporary favorites all throughout the '80s, '90s, and today," said Dale Harrigan, a member of the lab's Space and Atmospheric Sciences Group. "The high altitude discharge caused by a growing concentration of Mariah Carey megahits and ionized platinum singles is, in itself, enough to cause the entire region to ignite. God forbid someone remixes Rihanna's hot new track, 'Umbrella.'" According to the scientists' assessment, even the smallest rupture in the ionosphere would cause radio waves to bounce back to the surface of the Earth, slowly melting the entire planet's population from the inside.

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