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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Scientists Warn Ionosphere One Top-40 Hit Away From Exploding

LOS ALAMOS, NM—Astrophysicists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory issued a nationwide alert Tuesday, warning that exposing the ionosphere to even one additional chart-topping pop, rock, or dance radio wave could cause the electrically conductive layer of atmosphere to violently burst. "We've recklessly bombarded the ionosphere with contemporary favorites all throughout the '80s, '90s, and today," said Dale Harrigan, a member of the lab's Space and Atmospheric Sciences Group. "The high altitude discharge caused by a growing concentration of Mariah Carey megahits and ionized platinum singles is, in itself, enough to cause the entire region to ignite. God forbid someone remixes Rihanna's hot new track, 'Umbrella.'" According to the scientists' assessment, even the smallest rupture in the ionosphere would cause radio waves to bounce back to the surface of the Earth, slowly melting the entire planet's population from the inside.

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