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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.
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Scientists Working On Immortality Better Hurry Up Because Ian McKellen Is 73

WASHINGTON—Scientists in search of a cure for human mortality better pick up the pace, sources confirmed this week, because celebrated British actor Sir Ian McKellen is not exactly getting any younger. McKellen, a beloved star of stage and screen, is reportedly a mortal 73-year-old human being and, as such, will be lost to the world within decades unless immortality researchers start showing a little more hustle. Indeed, sources added, if scientists don’t get to work tout de suite on some kind of everlasting-life serum, movie scripts calling for aged and wizened mentor figures will soon face a noticeably weaker casting field. According to reports, any neuroscientist or molecular geneticist working on the project and lacking motivation is encouraged to watch a critically lauded performance from McKellen’s extensive filmography or, if possible, see him on the stage as King Lear or Richard III. At press time, researchers claimed they were nearing a breakthrough, but before proceeding further hoped to wait until actor and director Woody Allen, 76, had passed away.

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

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