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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Scientists Working On Immortality Better Hurry Up Because Ian McKellen Is 73

WASHINGTON—Scientists in search of a cure for human mortality better pick up the pace, sources confirmed this week, because celebrated British actor Sir Ian McKellen is not exactly getting any younger. McKellen, a beloved star of stage and screen, is reportedly a mortal 73-year-old human being and, as such, will be lost to the world within decades unless immortality researchers start showing a little more hustle. Indeed, sources added, if scientists don’t get to work tout de suite on some kind of everlasting-life serum, movie scripts calling for aged and wizened mentor figures will soon face a noticeably weaker casting field. According to reports, any neuroscientist or molecular geneticist working on the project and lacking motivation is encouraged to watch a critically lauded performance from McKellen’s extensive filmography or, if possible, see him on the stage as King Lear or Richard III. At press time, researchers claimed they were nearing a breakthrough, but before proceeding further hoped to wait until actor and director Woody Allen, 76, had passed away.

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