Scientists Working On Immortality Better Hurry Up Because Ian McKellen Is 73

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Vol 48 Issue 39

The Science Of Sex

Discovery 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Scientists take an up-close look at what attracts us to each other and why, using clinical words for stuff like “cock” and “fucking.”

Tragic Accident Kills Aspiring Living Person

BOISE, ID—According to friends and family, the automobile accident that claimed the life of area youth Evan Laskin this week tragically cut short the prospects of a talented 18-year-old who had aspired his whole life to be a living person. Those clo...

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More than a month before Election Day, residents of key swing state Iowa began casting their ballots at designated polling locations yesterday as part of the state’s early voting process.

Robot Butler

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Comedy

Scientists Working On Immortality Better Hurry Up Because Ian McKellen Is 73

WASHINGTON—Scientists in search of a cure for human mortality better pick up the pace, sources confirmed this week, because celebrated British actor Sir Ian McKellen is not exactly getting any younger. McKellen, a beloved star of stage and screen, is reportedly a mortal 73-year-old human being and, as such, will be lost to the world within decades unless immortality researchers start showing a little more hustle. Indeed, sources added, if scientists don’t get to work tout de suite on some kind of everlasting-life serum, movie scripts calling for aged and wizened mentor figures will soon face a noticeably weaker casting field. According to reports, any neuroscientist or molecular geneticist working on the project and lacking motivation is encouraged to watch a critically lauded performance from McKellen’s extensive filmography or, if possible, see him on the stage as King Lear or Richard III. At press time, researchers claimed they were nearing a breakthrough, but before proceeding further hoped to wait until actor and director Woody Allen, 76, had passed away.

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