Scrappy Band Of Lovable Misfits No Match For Rich Kids

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

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Having a baby changes everything, and the resulting lack of sleep and general stress can contribute to a decline in overall wellness. Here are some ways new parents can prevent bad habits and maintain good health

Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

LINCOLN, NE—Oblivious to the thoughts and looks directed toward her as she shopped for groceries, stopped by the post office, and ran several other errands with her three young children, single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgments by strangers this afternoon.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.
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House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Scrappy Band Of Lovable Misfits No Match For Rich Kids

WINNEPESAUKEE, NY–A plucky band of colorful misfits from Camp Winnepesaukee proved no match for their spoiled rich-kid rivals Monday, when superior finances and connections thwarted the underdogs' efforts to stand up in the face of arrogant elitism.

Rich-kids-camp leader J. Jordan Buckminster III.

The conflict, characterized by some as a "slobs vs. snobs" scenario, ended in disaster for Camp Winnepesaukee, which was unceremoniously bulldozed for absorption into Breckenridge Estates, the well-funded enemy summer camp across the lake.

The bulldozing brought an end to more than 20 years of conflict between the two camps, which had been locked in an ongoing struggle for control of Camp Winnepesaukee's 57-acre property.

At a Monday press conference, Brian "Wing Nut" Winger, 16, unofficial ringleader of the Camp Winnepesaukee gang, accepted full responsibility for the camp's defeat at the hands of the Breckenridge snobs.

"Since we're just a bunch of lovable losers from the wrong side of the tracks, I figured we could band together and help [Camp Winnepesaukee owner and director] Old Man Guffy save the camp," said Wing Nut, clad in mismatched red and blue Converse sneakers, a Hawaiian shirt, and dark sunglasses. "Well, we couldn't."

Along with Wing Nut, the motley crew of Camp Winnepesaukee outcasts included his nerdy bunkmate Percy "Doofus" Dufhauser, African-American computer expert Malcolm "Hackmeister" LaVont, undersized-but-feisty Harry "Half-Pint" O'Bannon, and an overweight, long-haired heavy-metal enthusiast known only as "The Heap."

The Camp Winnepesaukee plan was hatched two weeks ago, when Wing Nut, while attempting to peek into the girls' showers, overheard Old Man Guffy talking to a group of Breckenridge "stuffed shirts" about selling them the nearly bankrupt Camp Winnepesaukee. In an inspiring display of moxie and spunk, the misfits convinced Old Man Guffy to wager the camp's fate on a bet with Breckenridge: Whichever camp could win the annual Summer Splash-Off competition would get the deeds to both camps. Despite Breckenridge's superior equipment, training, and funding–and Camp Winnepesaukee's 23-year losing streak against their cross-lake rivals–Old Man Guffy reluctantly agreed.

"What a big, dumb idiot I was," said a distraught Guffy after the rout. "They had an army of rich, well-trained prep-schoolers on their side, and all we had was our determination to triumph against impossible odds. Now I don't have jack-squat."

The spirited Camp Winnepesaukee assault included Wing Nut's rigging of Breckenridge canoes to spring leaks, a midnight panty raid on the Breckenridge girls' dorm, and a heroic effort by The Heap to devour 34 pies in the pie-eating contest. By all accounts, the misfits' efforts went above and beyond what anyone expected. In the end, however, it was not nearly enough.

"We stole a bunch of the girls' panties–so what?" Doofus said. "Did we think the symbolic humiliation of losing their underwear would make them forget they have a crack team of lawyers and powerful family connections in New York law-enforcement circles? Sure, we put a lot of effort into that panty raid, but all it got us was a sexual-harassment suit and $17,000 in fines for breaking and entering."

An effort to use Hackmeister's computer skills to place the message "Breckenridge Blows" on every screen at the rival camp's computer lab also met with failure.

"We were all laughing and giving each other high-fives, like we actually accomplished something," said Hackmeister, currently being held in federal prison for multiple violations of state and federal anti-hacking statutes. "The feds showed up at my cabin the very next morning with, like, 12 subpoenas."

Despite fully expecting to defeat the rich kids and learn something about themselves in the process, the only thing the Camp Winnepesaukee underdogs learned was that they were too poor and outmanned ever to stand a chance.

"When Breckenridge's blue-blood camp director Mr. Harding–who we all called 'Mr. Hard-On'–came running out with the eviction papers, we set off a carefully orchestrated booby trap that sent him tumbling into the lake," Half-Pint said. "Then we all laughed and cheered and partied, like we'd somehow defeated him. Meanwhile, Harding just drove back to his lawyer's office and got new copies of the papers. Duh. You obviously can't nullify litigation just by getting somebody wet."

The night before the final obstacle-course race, Wing Nut attempted to rally the troops with a stirring speech. "I told the gang that if we stuck together and reached for our dreams, we could beat those rich kids," he said. "But I couldn't even finish my speech, because I was pelted with stale hot dogs."

Seated in a high-back leather chair, Breckenridge alumnus J. Jordan Buckminster II told reporters he was not surprised the gang from Camp Winnepesaukee lost.

"Those Winnepesaukee boys have no breeding," Buckminster said. "The sooner they accept their fate as losers in life, the better." He then punctuated his remarks by clenching a pipe in his teeth and taking a long sip of vintage Cognac.

When asked by reporters what lesson they learned, the misfits unanimously agreed.

"The lesson is simple: Give up," Wing Nut said. "If there are any scrappy underdogs out there who hope to gain inspiration from our determination to win in the face of impossible odds, my advice to you is this: Don't. You're doomed to fail."

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