WINNEPESAUKEE, NY–A plucky band of colorful misfits from Camp Winnepesaukee proved no match for their spoiled rich-kid rivals Monday, when superior finances and connections thwarted the underdogs' efforts to stand up in the face of arrogant elitism.
The conflict, characterized by some as a "slobs vs. snobs" scenario, ended in disaster for Camp Winnepesaukee, which was unceremoniously bulldozed for absorption into Breckenridge Estates, the well-funded enemy summer camp across the lake.
The bulldozing brought an end to more than 20 years of conflict between the two camps, which had been locked in an ongoing struggle for control of Camp Winnepesaukee's 57-acre property.
At a Monday press conference, Brian "Wing Nut" Winger, 16, unofficial ringleader of the Camp Winnepesaukee gang, accepted full responsibility for the camp's defeat at the hands of the Breckenridge snobs.
"Since we're just a bunch of lovable losers from the wrong side of the tracks, I figured we could band together and help [Camp Winnepesaukee owner and director] Old Man Guffy save the camp," said Wing Nut, clad in mismatched red and blue Converse sneakers, a Hawaiian shirt, and dark sunglasses. "Well, we couldn't."
Along with Wing Nut, the motley crew of Camp Winnepesaukee outcasts included his nerdy bunkmate Percy "Doofus" Dufhauser, African-American computer expert Malcolm "Hackmeister" LaVont, undersized-but-feisty Harry "Half-Pint" O'Bannon, and an overweight, long-haired heavy-metal enthusiast known only as "The Heap."
The Camp Winnepesaukee plan was hatched two weeks ago, when Wing Nut, while attempting to peek into the girls' showers, overheard Old Man Guffy talking to a group of Breckenridge "stuffed shirts" about selling them the nearly bankrupt Camp Winnepesaukee. In an inspiring display of moxie and spunk, the misfits convinced Old Man Guffy to wager the camp's fate on a bet with Breckenridge: Whichever camp could win the annual Summer Splash-Off competition would get the deeds to both camps. Despite Breckenridge's superior equipment, training, and funding–and Camp Winnepesaukee's 23-year losing streak against their cross-lake rivals–Old Man Guffy reluctantly agreed.
"What a big, dumb idiot I was," said a distraught Guffy after the rout. "They had an army of rich, well-trained prep-schoolers on their side, and all we had was our determination to triumph against impossible odds. Now I don't have jack-squat."
The spirited Camp Winnepesaukee assault included Wing Nut's rigging of Breckenridge canoes to spring leaks, a midnight panty raid on the Breckenridge girls' dorm, and a heroic effort by The Heap to devour 34 pies in the pie-eating contest. By all accounts, the misfits' efforts went above and beyond what anyone expected. In the end, however, it was not nearly enough.
"We stole a bunch of the girls' panties–so what?" Doofus said. "Did we think the symbolic humiliation of losing their underwear would make them forget they have a crack team of lawyers and powerful family connections in New York law-enforcement circles? Sure, we put a lot of effort into that panty raid, but all it got us was a sexual-harassment suit and $17,000 in fines for breaking and entering."
An effort to use Hackmeister's computer skills to place the message "Breckenridge Blows" on every screen at the rival camp's computer lab also met with failure.
"We were all laughing and giving each other high-fives, like we actually accomplished something," said Hackmeister, currently being held in federal prison for multiple violations of state and federal anti-hacking statutes. "The feds showed up at my cabin the very next morning with, like, 12 subpoenas."
Despite fully expecting to defeat the rich kids and learn something about themselves in the process, the only thing the Camp Winnepesaukee underdogs learned was that they were too poor and outmanned ever to stand a chance.
"When Breckenridge's blue-blood camp director Mr. Harding–who we all called 'Mr. Hard-On'–came running out with the eviction papers, we set off a carefully orchestrated booby trap that sent him tumbling into the lake," Half-Pint said. "Then we all laughed and cheered and partied, like we'd somehow defeated him. Meanwhile, Harding just drove back to his lawyer's office and got new copies of the papers. Duh. You obviously can't nullify litigation just by getting somebody wet."
The night before the final obstacle-course race, Wing Nut attempted to rally the troops with a stirring speech. "I told the gang that if we stuck together and reached for our dreams, we could beat those rich kids," he said. "But I couldn't even finish my speech, because I was pelted with stale hot dogs."
Seated in a high-back leather chair, Breckenridge alumnus J. Jordan Buckminster II told reporters he was not surprised the gang from Camp Winnepesaukee lost.
"Those Winnepesaukee boys have no breeding," Buckminster said. "The sooner they accept their fate as losers in life, the better." He then punctuated his remarks by clenching a pipe in his teeth and taking a long sip of vintage Cognac.
When asked by reporters what lesson they learned, the misfits unanimously agreed.
"The lesson is simple: Give up," Wing Nut said. "If there are any scrappy underdogs out there who hope to gain inspiration from our determination to win in the face of impossible odds, my advice to you is this: Don't. You're doomed to fail."