Scrappy Crew Of 'Good Morning America' Decides To Put On A News Show

Top Headlines

After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Scrappy Crew Of 'Good Morning America' Decides To Put On A News Show

The ragtag bunch.
The ragtag bunch.

NEW YORK—Saying they were bored and there was nothing fun to do in the ABC studios, the spunky crew of Good Morning America announced "really big plans" Thursday to write and broadcast their very own television news show all by themselves.

The cute little program, which will be produced without any help from any grown-ups, and which will feature important news, interviews with funny people, and also weather, will air Friday at 7 a.m.

"We're gonna write our own scripts and read from 'em and tell everyone in the whole world about stuff that's happening," said George Stephanopoulos, who led the plucky band of lovable scamps and had everybody line up to try their best newscaster voice. "I'm gonna talk about the president."

Added Stephanopoulous, "You'll see. We'll be just like a real news show."

According to ABC sources, the scrappy Good Morning America crew has already begun preparing for their big morning news show, with Robin Roberts organizing the group of happy-go-lucky rascals into teams and ordering them to borrow fancy suits from their parents and gather up as much news as they could find.

Juju Chang was reportedly placed in charge of making sure the boy anchors combed their hair nicely to the side.

Robin Roberts practices her part over and over and over until she's the best in the world.

"This is going to be so much fun!" said Sam Champion, 48, who looked just like a little man in his blue grown-up suit and told reporters that he would be interviewing zookeeper Jack Hanna on the show. "I already have all of my questions ready, like five thousand hundred of them, and they said I could use a microphone when I talk about all the different animals."

"But I have to be careful, also, when I pet the little baby koalas," Champion added. "They're delicate!"

While certain segments have already been confirmed—including the Hanna interview and a weather piece in which Chang will talk about the clouds and sun and point to pictures of the clouds and the sun, much of the two-hour broadcast has yet to be determined.

According to sources, Stephanopoulos has decided to fill some of that time by having Robin Roberts file a report on a suicide- bombing attack that killed 23 in Pakistan this month, but told her not to worry if she did not understand what it was about, stressing that it was more important for her to make a sad face when talking about it.

"I'm going to do a good job and talk about very important news events for probably over a whole minute," Roberts said. "I'll also say the words nice and clear so people can understand me, and I'm not going to giggle even once, I swear."

With only minutes to showtime and Sam Champion needing to use the bathroom, many at ABC remained skeptical that the plucky band of ne'er-do-wells has what it takes to make their broadcast work. Still, some are pulling for them.

"They might not be the most capable or the most informed, but I'll be darned if they aren't adorable trying so hard," ABC News president David Westin said. "Robin and George especially were just as cute as a button when they came marching into my office with all of their grown-up ideas. They seemed so excited about putting on a real news show."

Executive producer Tom Cibrowski agreed.

"It was absolutely precious how they wanted to do a piece about the Haitian earthquake right before a segment on low-fat additions to ice cream sundaes," Cibrowski said. "If anyone else tried that it would probably come off as insulting or in poor taste, but you can't get mad at these little guys. They don't even know what they're doing up there."

"Everyone should make sure and tell them they did a good job," Cibrowski continued. "And that they should be proud of themselves."

Good Morning America is expected to be viewed by 4.68 million real, actual people.

Next Story

After Birth Video