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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Scrappy Underdog Yankees Refusing To Go Away

NEW YORK—Though they were written off at the beginning of the season, the underdog New York Yankees refuse to succumb to their obvious lack of money and talent and have managed to put together a six-game winning streak to remain in contention with the far superior Boston Red Sox. "What you are seeing right now from the Yankees is pure heart, because honestly, that's all this team's really got," said ESPN columnist Buster Olney, adding that the team's unwillingness to quit a battle that is basically unwinnable should serve as an inspiration. "They have a shortstop who can barely field a ground ball, a pitcher who is close to 50, and catcher who has never really been that good at baseball. If they keep this up, we could be witnessing the makings of a modern-day miracle." According to Olney, although the Yankees' recent success is a welcome change, their struggles should be an sign to Commissioner Bud Selig that revenue sharing in the major leagues is not working.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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