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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Screaming Albert Pujols Warns Baserunner Not To Step On His Herb Garden

ST. LOUIS—Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols frantically waved his arms and shouted several warnings at Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley Sunday while attempting to prevent the base runner from trampling a cultivated section of the first base line containing his recently planted herb garden. "The dill, thyme, and cilantro have just started to sprout, and they're far too delicate at this stage to just get stomped on," said Pujols, adding that he was strongly considering plans to rope off the area. "All I ask is that people are respectful and watch where they're running, since I did all the planting, weeding, fertilizing, and watering. Guys like Bradley are exactly why we can't have a pumpkin patch anymore." According to Cardinals players, the two-time NL MVP had a similar outburst in 2007 when relief pitcher Ryan Franklin forgot to shut the bullpen gate and allowed several of Pujols' pigs to escape.

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Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

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