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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Screaming Albert Pujols Warns Baserunner Not To Step On His Herb Garden

ST. LOUIS—Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols frantically waved his arms and shouted several warnings at Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley Sunday while attempting to prevent the base runner from trampling a cultivated section of the first base line containing his recently planted herb garden. "The dill, thyme, and cilantro have just started to sprout, and they're far too delicate at this stage to just get stomped on," said Pujols, adding that he was strongly considering plans to rope off the area. "All I ask is that people are respectful and watch where they're running, since I did all the planting, weeding, fertilizing, and watering. Guys like Bradley are exactly why we can't have a pumpkin patch anymore." According to Cardinals players, the two-time NL MVP had a similar outburst in 2007 when relief pitcher Ryan Franklin forgot to shut the bullpen gate and allowed several of Pujols' pigs to escape.

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