Screwball Jim Nabors Goofs Up Again By Marrying Man

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Vol 49 Issue 05

Onion Sports' Live Coverage Of Super Bowl XLVII

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Hometown Wistfully Toured Via Google Street View

COLUMBUS, OH—Eleven years after last walking through his hometown, 29-year-old local man Paul Brundage reportedly spent the entire evening Friday revisiting his childhood neighborhood in Decatur, IL using the Google Maps Street View feature.
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UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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Screwball Jim Nabors Goofs Up Again By Marrying Man

SEATTLE—In just the latest of his bumbling misadventures, dimwitted Andy Griffith Show actor Jim Nabors, 82, reportedly found out today that he goofed up again after inadvertently marrying another man in a Seattle ceremony. “Aw, now, I didn’t mean to go and get myself hitched to a fella!” said the lovable but slow-witted Nabors, who in a series of humorous blunders managed to get mixed up in a legal gay marriage ceremony with local man Stan Cadwallader before a Washington state judge. “Heck, I mean, a fella and another fella? I don’t figure that much because, see, if he’s a man, and I’m a man...then...then....well, golly, I can’t make heads nor tails of this mess!” At press time, a red-faced Nabors reported being even more confused after being kissed by Cadwallader.

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