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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Screwball Jim Nabors Goofs Up Again By Marrying Man

SEATTLE—In just the latest of his bumbling misadventures, dimwitted Andy Griffith Show actor Jim Nabors, 82, reportedly found out today that he goofed up again after inadvertently marrying another man in a Seattle ceremony. “Aw, now, I didn’t mean to go and get myself hitched to a fella!” said the lovable but slow-witted Nabors, who in a series of humorous blunders managed to get mixed up in a legal gay marriage ceremony with local man Stan Cadwallader before a Washington state judge. “Heck, I mean, a fella and another fella? I don’t figure that much because, see, if he’s a man, and I’m a man...then...then....well, golly, I can’t make heads nor tails of this mess!” At press time, a red-faced Nabors reported being even more confused after being kissed by Cadwallader.

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