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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Sculpture Of Stereotypical Italian Chef Proof Of Pizzeria’s High Standard Of Excellence

MINNEAPOLIS—According to customers, a fiberglass sculpture of a fat mustachioed Italian stereotype recently placed in front of Gunther's Pizza has provided irrefutable proof of the restaurant's high standard of excellence. "I was looking for a quality Italian place, and I had no idea where to go, but then I saw that statue with its chubby-cheeks and curly little mustache," local diner Pamela Jackson said Saturday, adding that the shallow representation of an Italian chef, with its pot belly and red neckerchief, all but guaranteed that she was was in for an authentic eating experience. "He was wearing a white apron with some marinara stains on it, so I knew the food would be good. Why else would that statue be lovingly holding up a pizza like that?" Jackson added that any lingering doubts she had were immediately erased upon being seated and noticing a framed photo of Marlon Brando on the wall.

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