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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Sculpture Of Stereotypical Italian Chef Proof Of Pizzeria’s High Standard Of Excellence

MINNEAPOLIS—According to customers, a fiberglass sculpture of a fat mustachioed Italian stereotype recently placed in front of Gunther's Pizza has provided irrefutable proof of the restaurant's high standard of excellence. "I was looking for a quality Italian place, and I had no idea where to go, but then I saw that statue with its chubby-cheeks and curly little mustache," local diner Pamela Jackson said Saturday, adding that the shallow representation of an Italian chef, with its pot belly and red neckerchief, all but guaranteed that she was was in for an authentic eating experience. "He was wearing a white apron with some marinara stains on it, so I knew the food would be good. Why else would that statue be lovingly holding up a pizza like that?" Jackson added that any lingering doubts she had were immediately erased upon being seated and noticing a framed photo of Marlon Brando on the wall.

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