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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life

MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life.

Netflix Instant Thinking About Adding Good Movie

LOS GATOS, CA—In a swift and unexpected departure from their present business model, officials from Netflix revealed Wednesday that the company is currently considering adding a good movie to their online streaming service.

Non-Alcoholic Beer Inventor Unveils New Non-Adhesive Glue

ST. LOUIS–Hot on the heels of his successful line of non-curative medicines, non-alcoholic-beer inventor Thomas O'Doul unveiled "Elmer's Slick," a glue that looks and feels like ordinary white glue but has no adhesive properties. "Say goodbye to your fingers getting all stuck together, just because you want to glue things," O'Doul said at a press conference Monday. "With Elmer's Slick, you can enjoy gluing without all the messy adhesiveness." O'Doul said he next plans to develop a flame-retardant gasoline and the world's first gelatinous construction lumber.

High-Definition Television Promises Sharper Crap

WASHINGTON, DC—In the most dramatic leap in television technology since the advent of color in the 1950s, on Monday the FCC approved a 10-year plan to shift to digital, high-definition TV, technology which will make barely watchable crap far sharper and more detailed than ever before.
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Sculpture Of Stereotypical Italian Chef Proof Of Pizzeria’s High Standard Of Excellence

MINNEAPOLIS—According to customers, a fiberglass sculpture of a fat mustachioed Italian stereotype recently placed in front of Gunther's Pizza has provided irrefutable proof of the restaurant's high standard of excellence. "I was looking for a quality Italian place, and I had no idea where to go, but then I saw that statue with its chubby-cheeks and curly little mustache," local diner Pamela Jackson said Saturday, adding that the shallow representation of an Italian chef, with its pot belly and red neckerchief, all but guaranteed that she was was in for an authentic eating experience. "He was wearing a white apron with some marinara stains on it, so I knew the food would be good. Why else would that statue be lovingly holding up a pizza like that?" Jackson added that any lingering doubts she had were immediately erased upon being seated and noticing a framed photo of Marlon Brando on the wall.

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High-Definition Television Promises Sharper Crap

WASHINGTON, DC—In the most dramatic leap in television technology since the advent of color in the 1950s, on Monday the FCC approved a 10-year plan to shift to digital, high-definition TV, technology which will make barely watchable crap far sharper and more detailed than ever before.

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