Sea-Going Turtle Under Fire For Egg Abandonment

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Vol 32 Issue 04

'Hands Across Liechtenstein' Raises $30 For Liechtenstein Charities

VADUZ, LIECHTENSTEIN—Citizens of the tiny European principality of Liechtenstein turned out in full force Saturday to participate in "Hands Across Liechtenstein," a special fund-raising event that raised more than $30 for Liechtenstein charities. Nearly 150 citizens joined hands in a line that stretched from one end of the country to the other, forming a human chain one-and-a-half football fields long. "This is a great achievement and an inspiring tribute to the great spirit of our people," Liechtenstein's Prince Hans Adam II said. "I can barely see the end of the line from where I stand." The $30 raised will go t

Local Audience Deemed 'Great'

BOSTON—The 88 people in attendance at the Chuckle Barn's Saturday 8:30 p.m. show were uniformly praised by comedian Tony Campanelli as "great." "You guys have been great," Campanelli told them at the conclusion of his 20-minute performance."Thanks a lot and good night." Audiences previously called great by Campanelli include the Friday 8:30 p.m. show and the Friday 11 p.m.

Fans Beg Aerosmith To Go Back On Drugs

LOS ANGELES—A national coalition of Aerosmith fans, frustrated by the weak, power-ballad-filled mediocrity of such recent Aerosmith albums as Get A Grip and Pump, has collected three million signatures on a petition imploring the veteran rock quintet to return to drug addiction. "We, the united fans of Aerosmith," the petition read in part, "plead with you to resume the type of liberal use of heroin and cocaine that fueled kick-ass albums like 1976's Rocks and classic tunes like 'Back In The Saddle.' We would additionally like to see a marked increase in alcohol abuse, particularly from one-time 'Toxic Twin' Joe Perry, who, regrettably, has not had a monster riff since 1980."

Copdale Made A Mockery Of Our Stalwart Policemen

Whenever I have trouble around the home I can always count on the Men in Blue to come to my house and help me. Like the time when my wife Toots and I could not find our wrench and the sink was dripping like the River Jordan in the Holy Land. Well, we called the policemen and they came screeching to our home with their sirens and whistles and told us not to call them unless it was an emergency, and they gave us a ticket. But by that time the sink had stopped leaking.

We Can Put A Man On The Moon, But We Can't Make Killer Robot Police?

Every time I watch the news, I see another story about all the wonderful things NASA is doing in outer space. I know, I know, it's all supposed to be very impressive and exciting. But to be honest, it just boils my blood. I mean, the federal government can put a man on the moon, but it can't build a killer robot police force to keep the cars from roaring down my street at 45 miles per hour? What kind of priorities do we have in this country?

Is Divorce Too Easy?

With the divorce rate continuing to soar, some family advocates are calling for legislation making it more difficult to dissolve a marriage. What do you think about toughening divorce laws?
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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Sea-Going Turtle Under Fire For Egg Abandonment

OCALA, FL—State welfare agencies expressed outrage Monday over the discovery that a local sea turtle had "deliberately and recklessly abandoned" her six unborn children on an Ocala beach last Thursday.

The only known photo of the suspect, who allegedly swam off after leaving her six unborn children on a Florida beach.

"This kind of behavior is shocking and inexcusable," said Peter Hume, director of the Florida Division of Youth and Family Services (FDYFS). "To deposit one's own children in the sand and expect them to autonomously hatch after a two- to three-week incubation period, instinctively crawl to the ocean and immediately begin using their flippers as fully functioning transportational devices in the quest for aquatic vegetation—it boggles the mind. It's almost unhuman."

The eggs, which appeared "weathered and malnourished" upon discovery, have been placed in foster care. State authorities have asked the Coast Guard to help in the search for the still-unidentified mother, whom animal-behavior experts believe is still in the area.

Stephen Varga, a frequent beachcomber in the Ocala area, witnessed the mother's act of gross criminal negligence. "She waddled inland along the shore, oh, 200 to 300 yards or so," Varga said, "and I remember thinking how suspicious the whole thing looked, the way she used her hind feet to carefully dig a shallow, gourd-shaped depression in a secluded section of coast, far removed from possible predatory attacks by terns, ospreys or other sea-birds. It gave me chills."

Varga said he considered contacting FDYFS, but decided he "didn't want to get involved."

The eggs were discovered by local lifeguards Sunday after one of the babies was heard using the vestigial egg-tooth on its snout to aid in the delicate process of breaking its hardened, leathery casing. A flipper-print found by police on one of the shells identified the mother as an Atlantic ridley, or lepidochelys kempi, widely regarded as the most neglectful and ill-fit species of all sea turtles.

If caught and found guilty, the mother turtle could face up to 30 years in prison.

One adult female tern, speaking on condition of anonymity, said she was acquainted with the fugitive turtle.

One of the fugitive turtle's six abandoned infants, all of whom are currently in state custody.

"I'm very surprised she would do something like this," the tern said. "The last time I saw her, she was already pregnant, and she seemed to be very excited about it—you know, her salt-excreting glands were working hard to ensure a fully desalinized in-vitro environment, her carapace had softened to facilitate easy cross-sand negotiation, that kind of thing."

Monday's incident marks the latest in a series of disturbing occurrences among Florida amphibians and reptiles. On May 4, a shingleback lizard was sentenced to six months in jail for what Broward County judge Raymond Voss called "repeated and willful indifference" toward its babies. More notoriously, last April, over 1,400 treefrog ova were eaten or fell off the branches of a Clearwater-area jonquil tree after being abandoned by their parents, who, like so many of the mothers and fathers in these cases, were no longer together.

"Sadly, there are a lot of 'serial parents' out there in the amphibious community who are having kids and then breaking up," Hume said. "Themselves raised in a non-nurturing, non-family environment, they in turn are ill-equipped to provide their own eggs with a caring, stable home."

"It's very easy to blame the turtles' depletion on human beings, who value their shells, hide, meat and oil," said Hume, noting that five of the world's six known species of sea turtles are endangered. "But the truth is, with the exception of the green sea-turtle, chelonia mydas, the sea-turtles are dying because of a terrible erosion of family values, something that's become rampant in our society as a whole."

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