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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

The total fucking shithead.
The total fucking shithead.

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Several eyewitnesses, who watched the seagull aimlessly wander around a Target parking lot that was located two whole states away from any coastal habitat that could provide proper food, shelter, and protection to the animal, told reporters the bird was more than likely a complete shit-for-brains and a huge fucking embarrassment to its species.

“Wow, that numbskull must have really fucking messed up,” said Erin Hampton, who reportedly saw the sorry-ass seagull pathetically eating smashed-up French fries off of a dirty sidewalk that, she was quick to confirm, was not a goddamn beach. “Come on, dum-dum, get your shit together. The ocean’s that way.”

“God, what a shitty bird,” Hampton continued.

Numerous sources recalled seeing the seagull loudly squawking for no fucking reason while perched on top of a shopping cart return and speculated that the dimwitted bird probably became lost while trying to migrate with its head up its ass. In addition, sources reported that the dumb-as-a-stump seagull, which they confirmed likely possessed zero fucking natural instincts, probably couldn’t even tell the difference between a body of water and a paved asphalt surface.

A number of Knoxville residents informed reporters that the miserable dumbfuck was clearly a complete failure at being a seabird and questioned where the hell the major fuckup expected to build a nest in the middle of a busy strip mall parking lot that lacks sand or grass and is situated seven hours away from a fucking shore.

Residents also reportedly assumed that the gull, which was for some reason residing in an entirely landlocked state even though 70 percent of the planet’s goddamn surface is covered with water, absolutely shit the bed at any chance it had at mating.

“I bet the rest of the flock just hates this stupid asshole,” said passerby Jason Lowe, shaking his head in disgust before adding that it was probably for the best that the fucking idiot seagull didn’t procreate and pass on its shitty genetic material. “The dumb fucker isn’t even trying to get back to the ocean. Can it even fly? It’s just hopping around like a dope. What the hell is it looking for?”

“Christ, you’re not going to find any fish on the cement,” continued Lowe. “Fucking doofus.”

At press time, sources confirmed that the goddamn mess of a bird was just flying around in circles above the parking lot like a huge dipshit.

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