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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Seagull With Diarrhea Barely Makes It To Crowded Beach In Time

NAPLES, FL—Describing it as a “real close call,” a local seagull suffering from an acute case of diarrhea told reporters that he was barely able to make it to a crowded public beach in time to relieve himself Monday. “Oh, man, I really had to go and there wasn’t a sunbather or occupied picnic table in sight—I honestly didn’t know if I could hold it,” said the gray and white seabird, who reportedly uttered a deep, contented sigh of relief upon finally reaching a densely packed group of beachgoers and releasing a voluminous torrent of loose fecal matter. “The last thing you want is to just go right there over the water or a bare stretch of sand. But thankfully I spotted a few families without beach umbrellas and was able to make it just long enough. Must have been some bad parking lot hot dog I ate.” At press time, the seagull reportedly felt another oncoming, urgent bowel movement and was rapidly racing toward the nearest convertible.

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