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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Seahawks Asked To Stop Piping Screams Of Terrified Women Into Qwest Field

SEATTLE—Following multiple complaints from teams who have had to endure both the much-touted, 100-decibel "12th Man" fan noise and the artificially amplified, 135-decibel shrieks of tortured women in pain while playing at Seattle's Qwest Field, the NFL has asked the Seahawks front office to refrain from piping in the sound effects during future home games. "It is unfair not only to the visiting team and their fans, both of whom have a right to expect hospitality and consideration of the Seattle football club, but to the women who must endure such physically insulting treatment in order to make these disturbing recordings," the statement from the NFL's Competition Committee read in part. "Furthermore, if the screams of these women turn out not to be recordings, there may be the matter of fines to consider." NFL officials and Seattle law-enforcement personnel have detained Qwest Field audio engineer Fred Miscera for questioning concerning the recent disappearance of several Seahawks cheerleaders.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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