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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Seahawks Asked To Stop Piping Screams Of Terrified Women Into Qwest Field

SEATTLE—Following multiple complaints from teams who have had to endure both the much-touted, 100-decibel "12th Man" fan noise and the artificially amplified, 135-decibel shrieks of tortured women in pain while playing at Seattle's Qwest Field, the NFL has asked the Seahawks front office to refrain from piping in the sound effects during future home games. "It is unfair not only to the visiting team and their fans, both of whom have a right to expect hospitality and consideration of the Seattle football club, but to the women who must endure such physically insulting treatment in order to make these disturbing recordings," the statement from the NFL's Competition Committee read in part. "Furthermore, if the screams of these women turn out not to be recordings, there may be the matter of fines to consider." NFL officials and Seattle law-enforcement personnel have detained Qwest Field audio engineer Fred Miscera for questioning concerning the recent disappearance of several Seahawks cheerleaders.

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