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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Seahawks QB Matt Hasselbeck Returns From Injury For Some Reason

SEATTLE—After missing five games with a bulging disc in his back, Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck returned to his 2-8 last-place team Sunday for reasons that are unknown at this time. "Well, that was pointless," a visibly exhausted Hasselbeck said after throwing for 170 yards and three interceptions in the Seahawks' 26-20 home loss. "I guess I thought I owed it to my teammates to go through that with them, but looking back on it, no one would wish that on another person. I mean, that game was quite possibly more painful than the extensive nerve damage in my back that kept me out. I can't remember why I decided to suit up for this one." When asked if he intended to play this Sunday against the Redskins, Hasselbeck responded by asking why, in God's name, he would do that.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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