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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Seahawks RB Shaun Alexander Closing In On NFL's Increasingly Devalued Single-Season Touchdown Record

SEATTLE—Shaun Alexander needs only five touchdowns to break the NFL's single-season record of 27, a mark set by Priest Holmes in 2003 and one that has become more meaningless each year since Emmitt Smith scored 25 during the 1995 season. "Shaun is having an amazing year, and should also be moderately satisfied that he's come this close to breaking one of the most increasingly attainable records in all of sports," said Sports Illustrated football analyst Peter King. "But as great as Alexander is—fast, physical, durable, the total package—you have to give equal credit to the Seahawk's lousy passing offense, a league-wide plague of conservative and unimaginative game plans, and a universal talent drought at the linebacker and safety positions. Five years from now, someone will score 33 touchdowns, and their one-dimensional team will lose in the playoffs, too." King added that, although an impressive 30 touchdowns would see Alexander break Paul Hornung's 45-year-old single season-scoring record, contemporary teams do in fact play four more games a year.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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