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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Seahawks RB Shaun Alexander Closing In On NFL's Increasingly Devalued Single-Season Touchdown Record

SEATTLE—Shaun Alexander needs only five touchdowns to break the NFL's single-season record of 27, a mark set by Priest Holmes in 2003 and one that has become more meaningless each year since Emmitt Smith scored 25 during the 1995 season. "Shaun is having an amazing year, and should also be moderately satisfied that he's come this close to breaking one of the most increasingly attainable records in all of sports," said Sports Illustrated football analyst Peter King. "But as great as Alexander is—fast, physical, durable, the total package—you have to give equal credit to the Seahawk's lousy passing offense, a league-wide plague of conservative and unimaginative game plans, and a universal talent drought at the linebacker and safety positions. Five years from now, someone will score 33 touchdowns, and their one-dimensional team will lose in the playoffs, too." King added that, although an impressive 30 touchdowns would see Alexander break Paul Hornung's 45-year-old single season-scoring record, contemporary teams do in fact play four more games a year.

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