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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.
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Seahawks RB Shaun Alexander Closing In On NFL's Increasingly Devalued Single-Season Touchdown Record

SEATTLE—Shaun Alexander needs only five touchdowns to break the NFL's single-season record of 27, a mark set by Priest Holmes in 2003 and one that has become more meaningless each year since Emmitt Smith scored 25 during the 1995 season. "Shaun is having an amazing year, and should also be moderately satisfied that he's come this close to breaking one of the most increasingly attainable records in all of sports," said Sports Illustrated football analyst Peter King. "But as great as Alexander is—fast, physical, durable, the total package—you have to give equal credit to the Seahawk's lousy passing offense, a league-wide plague of conservative and unimaginative game plans, and a universal talent drought at the linebacker and safety positions. Five years from now, someone will score 33 touchdowns, and their one-dimensional team will lose in the playoffs, too." King added that, although an impressive 30 touchdowns would see Alexander break Paul Hornung's 45-year-old single season-scoring record, contemporary teams do in fact play four more games a year.

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