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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Seahawks To Seattle Fans: ‘Shut The Fuck Up’

SEATTLE—Claiming the message was long overdue, players for the Seattle Seahawks issued a group statement Thursday imploring the team’s passionate, vocal fan base to shut the fuck up. “Hey, assholes, shut the fuck up and stop running your fucking mouths,” running back Marshawn Lynch said on behalf of the Seahawks roster, emphasizing that he and his fellow teammates have grown “sick and fucking tired” of hearing fans talk up the team at every available opportunity. “Yeah, we’re a good team and we’re having a good season. But that doesn’t mean you dickheads need to be constantly talking shit about us being the Super Bowl favorites and saying that no other team will have a chance against us for years to come. And just so we’re absolutely clear, you dumbasses aren’t ‘the 12th man,’ either. So just shut the fuck up already. Seriously, shut the fuck up.” Lynch added that fans also need to shut the fuck up when attending CenturyLink Field for this Sunday’s NFC Championship matchup against the San Francisco 49ers, calling the excessive crowd noise produced during Seahawks home games both “annoying” and “massively disrespectful.”

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