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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Seahawks To Seattle Fans: ‘Shut The Fuck Up’

SEATTLE—Claiming the message was long overdue, players for the Seattle Seahawks issued a group statement Thursday imploring the team’s passionate, vocal fan base to shut the fuck up. “Hey, assholes, shut the fuck up and stop running your fucking mouths,” running back Marshawn Lynch said on behalf of the Seahawks roster, emphasizing that he and his fellow teammates have grown “sick and fucking tired” of hearing fans talk up the team at every available opportunity. “Yeah, we’re a good team and we’re having a good season. But that doesn’t mean you dickheads need to be constantly talking shit about us being the Super Bowl favorites and saying that no other team will have a chance against us for years to come. And just so we’re absolutely clear, you dumbasses aren’t ‘the 12th man,’ either. So just shut the fuck up already. Seriously, shut the fuck up.” Lynch added that fans also need to shut the fuck up when attending CenturyLink Field for this Sunday’s NFC Championship matchup against the San Francisco 49ers, calling the excessive crowd noise produced during Seahawks home games both “annoying” and “massively disrespectful.”

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