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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Sean O'Hair Gains Revenge By Angrily Masturbating To Tiger Woods' Wife

ORLANDO, FL—In a blatantly retaliatory act of self-gratification, Sean O'Hair avenged his disappointing loss in the Arnold Palmer Invitational by fiercely masturbating to the image of Elin Nordegren Woods from under the covers of his hotel bed Sunday. "See how you like it when I come from behind," said O'Hair, rubbing his penis furiously with his still-gloved hand while imagining the naked mother of Tiger Woods' children. "You might think I'm stuck in your bunker, but I'll find the hole and I'll get it in on the first try. And afterwards I'm going to use your lovely mouth as a ball washer." Sources close to O'Hair report that it took him fewer strokes to ejaculate than Tiger Woods.

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