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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Sean Penn Demands To Know What Asshole Took SeanPenn@ gmail.com

LOS ANGELES—In an impassioned 1,900-word open letter published in Monday's Washington Post, actor-director Sean Penn urged the unknown person who registered the e-mail address SeanPenn@gmail.com to "come forward immediately, rather than wallowing in the shame and ignominy of fraud."

Sean Penn

The paid full-page advertisement, addressed to "a certain inconsiderate asshole," continued: "Every American—indeed, every human being, regardless of nationality—deserves to be rightfully and accurately represented on the World Wide Web—the communication gateway into the next century and beyond—without having to resort to nonsensical aliases with random strings of numbers tacked onto the end. In an era of global wireless technology, our very identities are at stake. It's highly unethical at best, criminal at worst, for others to wantonly abscond with them."

Penn recounted in the letter how he had waited for an invitation to Google's e-mail service for a year and a half before receiving one earlier this month. According to Penn, when he tried to establish an account, he received a message indicating that his desired user name, SeanPenn, had already been registered.

"Sir or madam, if only you could have seen the anger and revulsion that washed over my face as I found that SeanPenn@gmail.com, Penn@gmail.com, SPenn@gmail.com, Penn.Sean@gmail.com, and SeanPennRules@gmail.com had all been taken," Penn's letter read. "If only you could have felt my heart leap to my throat upon realizing that Seanpenn@gmail.com would not work either, as Gmail addresses are not case-senstitive. If only you could have heard my cry of anguish when, in a last, desperate move, I typed in Spicoli@gmail.com, only to be rejected once more and finally forced to accept the abomination that is Sean.Penn20061@gmail.com."

Continued Penn, "It's a sad, sad day for the individual's right to self-determination and self-expression, let alone for the movie directors, journalists, and diplomats who will not be able to easily remember—or even recognize—my e-mail address."

Penn said he also tried SeanPenn81760@gmail.com, ShawnPenn@gmail.com, and SeanPennActor@gmail.com.

This was not the first time Penn has expressed anger over the difficulty of obtaining a Sean Penn-specific e-mail address. He made headlines last year when he refused to appear on the set of Columbia Pictures' All The King's Men for two days after he learned that SPenn@sonypictures.com had been taken by video assist operator Steve Penn.

Penn admitted that the painful experience of not being able to communicate freely through e-mail had its upside.

"Oh, certainly, I identify more strongly with the poor, war-battered youth of the Middle East."

Penn ended his statement by reiterating his demand that the SeanPenn user-name holder reveal his identity, assuring him that he will not retaliate with punitive measures or even ask that the e-mail address be relinquished. Instead, Penn invited the perpetrator to accompany him to Iraq, to "learn a hard, real-life lesson about the devastation wreaked by false pretense, gross injustice, and misapplication of power."

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