Search For Area Shoney's Intensifies

In This Section

Vol 36 Issue 29

Critics Accuse New Movie Of Glorifying Sex

HOLLYWOOD, CA–The Five Senses, a new film from Fine Line Features starring Mary-Louise Parker and Philippe Volter, is drawing fire from conservative Christian groups who charge that it glorifies sex. "Billing itself as 'a touching exploration of human perceptions and dynamics,' The Five Senses is filled with images of adults engaged in intimate acts of sexual union," said Focus On The Family executive director Michael White. "By depicting it so frequently and so casually, this film only serves to condone the act of lovemaking." White added that sexual imagery in Hollywood films is largely to blame for "the proliferation of sexuality in society."

Husband Points Out That He Vacuumed

BOISE, ID–Area husband Will Grantham, proud of his contribution to the household chores, made special note to his wife Monday that he vacuumed the living room and hallway. "I took care of the vacuuming," Grantham told wife Emily as she scrubbed mildew out of the shower tile grout. "There might be some lint under the sofa, but I got all the visible parts." Grantham previously made headlines for his 1997 unsolicited wiping of dust from a den bookshelf.

Area Organization Pro-White, Ain't Anti-Nobody

WAYCROSS, GA–The International Knights Of The White Race, a Waycross-based "Caucasian advocacy" group, is about celebratin' one's own whiteness and ain't about hatin' nobody, Exalted High Commander Clem Hooton said Monday. "The Knights is about bein' white and proud. We don't tell nobody to go out beatin' on no blacks or nothin'," Hooton said. "Like it say on our pamphletures, we officially ain't responsible for what y'all do, 'cause we about getting together to celebrate our genetric superiosity in a real peaceable manner."

Man Insists On Calling Fanny Pack 'Lumbar Satchel'

LORAIN, OH–According to coworkers, Novitech systems administrator Ted Shiner insists on referring to his fanny pack as a "lumbar satchel." "I asked him if he had the key to the fifth-floor men's room, and he tells me to get it out of his 'lumbar satchel,'" account manager Fred Weyert said of the ponytailed, 29-year-old Shiner. "I had to ask him, like, three more times and go through having him describe exactly where it was on his desk before I realized he was talking about his damn fanny pack."

Scientists Put Sleep-Inducing Power Of Agribusiness Today Into Pill

INDIANAPOLIS–At a press conference Monday, pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly unveiled Agritol, a new over-the-counter sedative with the sleep-inducing powers of the AM-radio program Agribusiness Today. Said Eli Lilly spokesman Gregory Bordick: "Each 40-milligram Agritol caplet contains a full 30 minutes of barley forecasts, grain-storage hints, and, just in case you need that extra help nodding off, citrus-canker reports." Last year, the FDA declared drought-relief coverage "unsafe" for use in sleep aids after lab animals' hearts stopped as a result of exposure.

Cell-Phone Safety

Cell-phone use in automobiles is a growing problem, with more and more accidents involving distracted drivers. What is the government doing to combat the problem?

When I Put Something In Italics, I Mean It

I've been office manager at Johnson Railing Supply, central Missouri's largest wholesaler of rails, for more than seven years. And in that time, I've had the chance to hone my writing skills in countless company memos, bulletin-board announcements, and break-room signs. With all this writing experience, I have the ability to cut through excess verbiage and get my message across clearly and effectively. But, despite this expertise, I've found there are those who fail to respond appropriately to strongly worded directives. They fail to understand that when I put something in italics, I mean it.

Roach Motel

As my more astute readers will no doubt recall, about three weeks back, I was mysteriously transformed into a gigantic cock-roach. Though the change has been decidedly odd and shows no sign of reverting any-time soon, I must confess that I am having the time of my life. I can now eat all the foods that age and infirmity once denied me: binding-glue, horse-dung, toe-nail parings, silver-fish–everything! I can carry myself about my enormous mansion, though I cannot seem to keep from disappearing under furniture whenever the lights are suddenly switched on. I can even climb to the ceiling and suspend myself for a time. (It is quite luxurious to sway in the air-currents and doze off!) I leave a much smaller slime trail than I did as an aged gentle-man, and if my looks are not much improved, I gather that my odor most certainly is.

Lawn-And-Garden Tips

For homeowners, few things are more satisfying than a beautiful lawn and garden. Here are some tips to help you improve yours:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Spring

Search For Area Shoney's Intensifies

FAYETTEVILLE, NC–Tensions continued to run high throughout area resident Martin Hilbert's car Sunday, as the search for a local Shoney's restaurant intensified despite little to no sign of progress.

A determined Martin Hilbert scans the horizon for Shoney's while fellow search-team members take a bathroom break. Seated next to Hilbert is his wife Mary.

Roaming the streets of Fayetteville in a '92 Mercury Sable station wagon, the search team–made up of three middle-aged couples looking for a quick bite to eat following an afternoon Kenny G concert at the Cumberland County Amphitheater–has reported fatigue, frustration, and flagging morale. Still, the searchers say they will not rest until the Shoney's, or a comparably priced family-dining establishment, is found.

"I'm almost positive there's a Shoney's somewhere on Cedar Creek Road," said search-team leader Hilbert, 44, husband of fellow searcher and passenger-side occupant Mary Hilbert. "I remember going there one time for coffee with my brother Tom, after our cousin Janice's wedding reception."

Approximately 40 minutes later, Hilbert delivered a disappointing update to his passengers. "I was sure we'd find it someplace over by the entrance to I-95," he said, "but there wasn't anything there but that huge industrial park, so we must've been on the wrong track."

"I think our best bet now is to try and maybe head north for a few blocks," Hilbert added. "It could've been Seaver Road I was thinking of. Seaver and Cedar kind of sound the same."

The searchers, whose discomfort is compounded by the fact that all three couples are crammed into one car, since Ken and Ellen opted not to drive their own car, are not expected to find the restaurant any time soon.

"We've been up and down Morganton Road, all the way to Cross Creek Mall and back," said search-party member Lynette Schloegel from her scrunched-up position in the backseat, visibly anxious as she gripped the purse on her lap. "Some of us are beginning to suspect that perhaps, for all our best intentions to locate this Shoney's and get some much-needed food and shelter, this may be a lost cause."

Despite such doubts, local authorities consulted by the search team at a Sapona Road SuperAmeriGas are confident that the elusive Shoney's cannot be far off.

"Oh, you mean the Shoney's over by 301, sort of where the old Farm & Fleet used to be? Right by, uh, that big-plastic-cow-sign-what-have-you? Sure, I been there plenty of times," said Ed Taylor, second-shift clerk at the SuperAmeriGas and local directions authority. "I can get you there. Or, at least, close enough to be in the ballpark. Let me draw you a map on this napkin."

Search efforts have been further complicated by dissent among leading Fayetteville-area direction-givers, some of whom do not support the Taylor napkin-map plan.

"You don't want to listen to those SuperAmeriGas guys; they never know what they're talking about," said staunch head-left-at-the-next-light advocate Grant Gordy. "What you wanna do is just head left at the next light. But watch real careful, because the road forks right after that, and you need to make sure you stay headed north on Old Wilmington Road, or you'll end up right back over by the funeral home again."

As the hours tick by with no end in sight, many within the car are beginning to fear the worst.

"I don't want to give up hope," said Paulette Klaas, who, along with husband Hank, has been with the search effort from the beginning. "But sometimes, in my weakest moments, I have to admit that I don't know if I'll ever see Shoney's open-faced-turkey and mashed-potato platter again."

"Kenny G was so inspirational, and it really seemed like there was magic in the air tonight," Klaas continued. "But then something like this happens. I tell you, this prolonged suffering is more than a person can take. I like the Hilberts and the Schloegels just fine, but after this ordeal, the next time those folks want to socialize, Hank and I just may opt for Pictionary Night at the Underwoods instead."

Hilbert, however, remains unbowed. "That Shoney's is out there, somewhere, with friendly service and quality food at a reasonable price, and, dammit, we're going to find it," he said. "We've got to. Even in this, our darkest hour, we must not give up."

If the missing Shoney's cannot be located within the next 72 hours, Fayetteville Police Department operating procedure stipulates that the search will have to be called off and the Shoney's officially declared dead.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More