adBlockCheck

Search For Area Shoney's Intensifies

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Search For Area Shoney's Intensifies

FAYETTEVILLE, NC–Tensions continued to run high throughout area resident Martin Hilbert's car Sunday, as the search for a local Shoney's restaurant intensified despite little to no sign of progress.

A determined Martin Hilbert scans the horizon for Shoney's while fellow search-team members take a bathroom break. Seated next to Hilbert is his wife Mary.

Roaming the streets of Fayetteville in a '92 Mercury Sable station wagon, the search team–made up of three middle-aged couples looking for a quick bite to eat following an afternoon Kenny G concert at the Cumberland County Amphitheater–has reported fatigue, frustration, and flagging morale. Still, the searchers say they will not rest until the Shoney's, or a comparably priced family-dining establishment, is found.

"I'm almost positive there's a Shoney's somewhere on Cedar Creek Road," said search-team leader Hilbert, 44, husband of fellow searcher and passenger-side occupant Mary Hilbert. "I remember going there one time for coffee with my brother Tom, after our cousin Janice's wedding reception."

Approximately 40 minutes later, Hilbert delivered a disappointing update to his passengers. "I was sure we'd find it someplace over by the entrance to I-95," he said, "but there wasn't anything there but that huge industrial park, so we must've been on the wrong track."

"I think our best bet now is to try and maybe head north for a few blocks," Hilbert added. "It could've been Seaver Road I was thinking of. Seaver and Cedar kind of sound the same."

The searchers, whose discomfort is compounded by the fact that all three couples are crammed into one car, since Ken and Ellen opted not to drive their own car, are not expected to find the restaurant any time soon.

"We've been up and down Morganton Road, all the way to Cross Creek Mall and back," said search-party member Lynette Schloegel from her scrunched-up position in the backseat, visibly anxious as she gripped the purse on her lap. "Some of us are beginning to suspect that perhaps, for all our best intentions to locate this Shoney's and get some much-needed food and shelter, this may be a lost cause."

Despite such doubts, local authorities consulted by the search team at a Sapona Road SuperAmeriGas are confident that the elusive Shoney's cannot be far off.

"Oh, you mean the Shoney's over by 301, sort of where the old Farm & Fleet used to be? Right by, uh, that big-plastic-cow-sign-what-have-you? Sure, I been there plenty of times," said Ed Taylor, second-shift clerk at the SuperAmeriGas and local directions authority. "I can get you there. Or, at least, close enough to be in the ballpark. Let me draw you a map on this napkin."

Search efforts have been further complicated by dissent among leading Fayetteville-area direction-givers, some of whom do not support the Taylor napkin-map plan.

"You don't want to listen to those SuperAmeriGas guys; they never know what they're talking about," said staunch head-left-at-the-next-light advocate Grant Gordy. "What you wanna do is just head left at the next light. But watch real careful, because the road forks right after that, and you need to make sure you stay headed north on Old Wilmington Road, or you'll end up right back over by the funeral home again."

As the hours tick by with no end in sight, many within the car are beginning to fear the worst.

"I don't want to give up hope," said Paulette Klaas, who, along with husband Hank, has been with the search effort from the beginning. "But sometimes, in my weakest moments, I have to admit that I don't know if I'll ever see Shoney's open-faced-turkey and mashed-potato platter again."

"Kenny G was so inspirational, and it really seemed like there was magic in the air tonight," Klaas continued. "But then something like this happens. I tell you, this prolonged suffering is more than a person can take. I like the Hilberts and the Schloegels just fine, but after this ordeal, the next time those folks want to socialize, Hank and I just may opt for Pictionary Night at the Underwoods instead."

Hilbert, however, remains unbowed. "That Shoney's is out there, somewhere, with friendly service and quality food at a reasonable price, and, dammit, we're going to find it," he said. "We've got to. Even in this, our darkest hour, we must not give up."

If the missing Shoney's cannot be located within the next 72 hours, Fayetteville Police Department operating procedure stipulates that the search will have to be called off and the Shoney's officially declared dead.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close