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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Search For 'Kick-Ass Shelves' Continues

WARRENTON, OR—After two months of fruitless searching, roommates Trevor Hyzer and Frank Janikowski said Monday that they would not stop looking until they found what they described as the "holy grail" of sweet-ass shelves. "Our upstairs neighbor had these wicked killer shelves that he promised we could have when he moved out, but then he decided to renew his lease," said Hyzer, who initially thought that stacking plain wooden planks on top of cinderblocks might make for some kick-ass old-school shelves, but said they ultimately looked like lame, cheap-ass shelves. "Then Frank ordered this bad-ass corner unit from IKEA, but they came with these gay little side-mount wall brackets. 'Some assembly required'? More like 'some dick-sucking required.'" Despite their lack of luck, the two remain confident that the super-fucking-mind-blowing, shit-your-pants-sweet shelves they seek are out there somewhere.

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