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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Search For 'Kick-Ass Shelves' Continues

WARRENTON, OR—After two months of fruitless searching, roommates Trevor Hyzer and Frank Janikowski said Monday that they would not stop looking until they found what they described as the "holy grail" of sweet-ass shelves. "Our upstairs neighbor had these wicked killer shelves that he promised we could have when he moved out, but then he decided to renew his lease," said Hyzer, who initially thought that stacking plain wooden planks on top of cinderblocks might make for some kick-ass old-school shelves, but said they ultimately looked like lame, cheap-ass shelves. "Then Frank ordered this bad-ass corner unit from IKEA, but they came with these gay little side-mount wall brackets. 'Some assembly required'? More like 'some dick-sucking required.'" Despite their lack of luck, the two remain confident that the super-fucking-mind-blowing, shit-your-pants-sweet shelves they seek are out there somewhere.

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