Search For Missing Child Drags On To Fourth Boring Day

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...
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Search For Missing Child Drags On To Fourth Boring Day

PICKETT, TN—The search for area fourth-grader Allison Means, who disappeared Friday evening, has entered its fourth boring day, volunteers and law-enforcement officials said Monday.

Means, missing since Friday.

"We've been combing the woods and meadows near her home for four days now," Byrdstown County Sheriff Thomas Heubel said. "The same woods and meadows—combing and more combing. With the possible exception of her parents, no one wants to find this girl more than we do."

Daniel and Karen Means contacted Heubel after their daughter didn't return from Sather Elementary School Friday afternoon. By nightfall, nearly four dozen initially eager locals volunteered to assist in the search.

"The first day or two was okay, I guess," said Clay Watts, a nearby resident who has been participating in the search since Saturday morning. "But now it's been four days, and she still hasn't turned up. The cops arrange us in these straight, long lines, and we advance 10 feet at a time. This goes on for hours. I've never been so bored in my life. Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored."

Mail carrier Tonia Stelson came forward Saturday to report that she had seen the girl at approximately 4 p.m. on Friday, about a quarter of a mile from the Means' house.

"I've shown about 50 different people exactly where I saw Allison," Stelson said. "How many times can I point to the same stretch of dirt? It's like, what part of 'I think maybe she was wearing a red coat' don't you understand?"

Searchers continue to search within a 20-mile radius of the Means' home, in an area comprising fallow farmland, tall grass, and scrub woodland. Wearied volunteers said they are as frustrated by the unremarkable landscape as they are by the dearth of leads.

"I've lived here all my life, but you really don't realize how dull the area is until you've participated in a search for a missing 9-year-old," volunteer Shirley Snow said. "It's a shame there are no gently rolling hills or picturesque windmills around here—you know, something pleasing to the eye. Besides that ugly abandoned farmhouse, which we've been through six times already, there's nothing."

Volunteers search yet another stupid field for any signs of the missing child.

Watts and his party of eight searchers have swept several open fields, an intensely dull process that has yielded only burrs, brambles, and insect bites.

"I know we've been through this area before," Watts said. "I remember that dogwood tree over there with the Coors can in its branches. Why are they deliberately sending us through the same area multiple times? Just to annoy us?"

In spite of the tedious searching, called off only during the darkest hours, not a single clue to Means' whereabouts has been found. Searchers haven't found footprints, scraps of clothing, or anything that might be just a tiny bit interesting, nor have police received any phone tips or substantial informant leads. The lack of progress has only heightened the searchers' frustration.

Hopes and interest rose briefly Sunday evening, when a search team found a decaying body near an apple orchard. The corpse, however, proved to be that of a small deer.

"I have to admit, when they announced it was an animal, a few people groaned in disappointment," volunteer Drena Biddle said. "It would have been a shame if we'd found Allison in that state, but at least the search would be over."

"Oh, look!" Watts said. "There's that Coors can again."

Sheriff's deputies dredged a pond two miles away from the Means' house Monday, in a long and tedious process that yielded three glass insulators.

"You used to see them on telephone poles," Sheriff's Deputy Dean Howarth said. "See the old Bell Telephone logo molded on them? Maybe some workers were doing work around here and threw them in the pond, just to get rid of them. You think so? Hey, I'm just trying to make conversation here."

Their frustration mounting, volunteers have begun to rebel against the rules laid out by search-party organizers.

"I'll help out tomorrow, but only if I can bring my Walkman," Watts said. "These damn cicadas are driving me crazy. And I don't care if there are women present—I'm not tromping all the way back up to Kickapoo Gas just to piss. It's part of life."

"Why wasn't I assigned to search near Shoptowne Mall?" Snow said. "Look, it's upsetting that Allison hasn't been found, and I believe in community spirit and everything. But the bottom line is, I never knew the girl. After searching for three straight days with only four hours of sleep each night—look, she's dead. Let's go home."

Heubel said he has notified state police of Means' disappearance, and that the FBI will soon join the search.

"Federal agents are professionally trained to deal with intensely tedious situations like this one," Heubel said.

"Plus, the FBI has considerable manpower they can send out to tromp around in the woods, which will finally free me up to go back to my new bumper-pool table."

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