Search For Wallet Self-Narrated

Top Headlines


Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Search For Wallet Self-Narrated

YPSILANTI, MI—Local man Kevin McCormick, 28, delivered a complete running commentary throughout a 12-minute search for the four-year-old, Velcro-fastened wallet he misplaced Sunday.

McCormick looking on his record shelf, a place he told himself he was "pretty sure" he left it.

The narration began in the late afternoon, when McCormick, a part-time pet-store attendant, announced his intention to visit a local taqueria for lunch. It was then that he first audibly noticed the wallet was missing.

"Oh shit," he said. "I can't find my wallet."

McCormick then turned his attention to vocally describing the central task before him—finding the wallet in what would prove to be an exhaustive, continuous commentary on the nearly quarter-hour search.

"All right, Kev—think," he began aloud. He then scanned the loose clothing and clutter around the one-bedroom apartment.

"When was the last time you saw it?" he asked, addressing himself in the second person.

"It was either in the bar," McCormick replied, "or it was in the taxi."

"But [roommate] Mark [Borschandt] paid for the cab," he announced to no one in particular. "So it must've been the bar. I'll just call the bar."

McCormick quickly switched gears, making his way to his cell phone, last seen in the same jacket pocket where he had earlier expressed aloud a hope to find his wallet.

"With my luck, I lost my cell phone, too!" he said in an attempt to inject a degree of levity into the ongoing account.

Retrieving the phone, he announced another disappointing development to the bare white walls of his kitchen. "The bar doesn't open for another four hours, though," he reported.

McCormick summed up the day's events on the bar's answering machine and, with a renewed sense of accomplishment, once again addressed his empty apartment, adopting a more introspective style.

McCormick in three of the estimated 38 different locations throughout his apartment where he searched for the wallet, carefully narrating the entire process.

"Did I leave it in [coworker Nelson] Duffy's building?" he inquired, opening and closing the refrigerator door. "Because if I did, I can kiss the cash in it good-bye. Then again, that one time I dropped it on the street, I told myself the same thing, and I got every penny back," he continued, providing relevant background and context to no one but himself.

"Okay, okay. What am I looking for? It's just a little black wallet," he said in a forceful voice, and scanned the room with purpose.

After nine fruitless minutes, in which many other possible locations of the wallet were audibly considered, McCormick's narration became progressively more dramatic, rising from a flat, carefully enunciated monotone to a passionate delivery, employing such oratorical flourishes as dramatic pauses, sudden bursts of emotion, and eventually unrestrained shouting.

"My fucking driver's license is in there, my paycheck is in there," McCormick announced, reminding any potential listeners what was at stake should he fail to find the wallet.

McCormick—who previously self-narrated the May 1997 retracing of his steps to his car keys, the August 2001 installation of a new surround-sound system, and the April 2005 account of a particularly challenging math problem encountered while preparing taxes—displayed his ability to maintain a constant narration despite the growing demands of the search.

"Just talk it through, Kevin," he said, struggling to maintain a calm, measured tone. "Come on, it'll come."

"I'm such a fucking idiot! How many times can I lose that fucking thing?" he said, turning to the open living room and gesturing to the invisible confidantes within.

"So stupid!" he yelled at himself. "Think! Think!!"

The narration reached a conclusion with the proclamation by McCormick that he had been defeated.

"I give up," he said smiling, and sat Indian style on the floor in front of his television. "I guess I just won't have a wallet. I guess it just fucking disappeared. Oh well."

As of press time, McCormick had made no follow-up remarks regarding the wallet and whether it had been found.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close