adBlockCheck

Search For Wallet Self-Narrated

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Search For Wallet Self-Narrated

YPSILANTI, MI—Local man Kevin McCormick, 28, delivered a complete running commentary throughout a 12-minute search for the four-year-old, Velcro-fastened wallet he misplaced Sunday.

McCormick looking on his record shelf, a place he told himself he was "pretty sure" he left it.

The narration began in the late afternoon, when McCormick, a part-time pet-store attendant, announced his intention to visit a local taqueria for lunch. It was then that he first audibly noticed the wallet was missing.

"Oh shit," he said. "I can't find my wallet."

McCormick then turned his attention to vocally describing the central task before him—finding the wallet in what would prove to be an exhaustive, continuous commentary on the nearly quarter-hour search.

"All right, Kev—think," he began aloud. He then scanned the loose clothing and clutter around the one-bedroom apartment.

"When was the last time you saw it?" he asked, addressing himself in the second person.

"It was either in the bar," McCormick replied, "or it was in the taxi."

"But [roommate] Mark [Borschandt] paid for the cab," he announced to no one in particular. "So it must've been the bar. I'll just call the bar."

McCormick quickly switched gears, making his way to his cell phone, last seen in the same jacket pocket where he had earlier expressed aloud a hope to find his wallet.

"With my luck, I lost my cell phone, too!" he said in an attempt to inject a degree of levity into the ongoing account.

Retrieving the phone, he announced another disappointing development to the bare white walls of his kitchen. "The bar doesn't open for another four hours, though," he reported.

McCormick summed up the day's events on the bar's answering machine and, with a renewed sense of accomplishment, once again addressed his empty apartment, adopting a more introspective style.

McCormick in three of the estimated 38 different locations throughout his apartment where he searched for the wallet, carefully narrating the entire process.

"Did I leave it in [coworker Nelson] Duffy's building?" he inquired, opening and closing the refrigerator door. "Because if I did, I can kiss the cash in it good-bye. Then again, that one time I dropped it on the street, I told myself the same thing, and I got every penny back," he continued, providing relevant background and context to no one but himself.

"Okay, okay. What am I looking for? It's just a little black wallet," he said in a forceful voice, and scanned the room with purpose.

After nine fruitless minutes, in which many other possible locations of the wallet were audibly considered, McCormick's narration became progressively more dramatic, rising from a flat, carefully enunciated monotone to a passionate delivery, employing such oratorical flourishes as dramatic pauses, sudden bursts of emotion, and eventually unrestrained shouting.

"My fucking driver's license is in there, my paycheck is in there," McCormick announced, reminding any potential listeners what was at stake should he fail to find the wallet.

McCormick—who previously self-narrated the May 1997 retracing of his steps to his car keys, the August 2001 installation of a new surround-sound system, and the April 2005 account of a particularly challenging math problem encountered while preparing taxes—displayed his ability to maintain a constant narration despite the growing demands of the search.

"Just talk it through, Kevin," he said, struggling to maintain a calm, measured tone. "Come on, it'll come."

"I'm such a fucking idiot! How many times can I lose that fucking thing?" he said, turning to the open living room and gesturing to the invisible confidantes within.

"So stupid!" he yelled at himself. "Think! Think!!"

The narration reached a conclusion with the proclamation by McCormick that he had been defeated.

"I give up," he said smiling, and sat Indian style on the floor in front of his television. "I guess I just won't have a wallet. I guess it just fucking disappeared. Oh well."

As of press time, McCormick had made no follow-up remarks regarding the wallet and whether it had been found.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close