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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Seashells Transform Suburban Bathroom Into Tropical Hideaway

Formerly the Watson's bathroom, now an enchanted portal to the gleaming white sand beaches of Bora-Bora.
Formerly the Watson's bathroom, now an enchanted portal to the gleaming white sand beaches of Bora-Bora.

WOODMERE, OH—-A wicker basket filled with seashells and placed on top of a toilet tank has magically transformed Dale and Paula Watson's suburban bathroom into a serene tropical oasis, sources reported Thursday.

"I can't believe the difference adding those seashells made," said Paula Watson, who had somehow been transported from a beige, run-of-the-mill bathroom to an unforgettable island paradise thousands of miles from the Greater Cleveland area. "Every time I walk in here now it's like, 'Wow, where am I? Cancún?'"

According to household sources, the extraordinary transformation took place at approximately 10:32 a.m., when Watson neatly arranged a handful of seashells inside a round wicker container and looked up to suddenly find herself at a beachside resort where all the troubles of modern life just melted away.

The magical seashells, which are able to conjure up the cool, tropical breeze of a seaside cabana, were personally gathered by the couple during a recent trip to Myrtle Beach.

"It's like our own little island getaway right at home," said Dale Watson, who stood as if surrounded by palm trees and soft white sand beaches in the spot where there had only been a shower mat and curtain before. "I feel like I should be eating grilled mahimahi right now."

"This is the way life should be," Watson added. "Time just slows down in here."

Eyewitnesses agreed that by merely gazing upon the seashell centerpiece, one is whisked away to an enchanted garden, lush with exotic flowers, fluttering hummingbirds, and shirtless natives whose brown skin glistens with sweat as they present trays stacked high with pineapple, mango, and tender cuts of pork.

Guests of the Watson home have confirmed that visiting the tropical utopia, which is lo≠cated at the end of the hallway, second door on the left, light switch above the sink, is a breathtaking experience they will never forget.

Grandmother Ilene Watson, 77, said she could spend the rest of her life in the carefree bathroom environment without complaint.

"It's so exotic," the mesmerized septuagenarian said. "Just like when Harold and I used to go traveling after the war."

Although delighted with the transformation, Paula Watson said she had plans to improve the 80 square feet of island paradise by adorning the blissful space with vanilla-scented coconut candles, a ceramic clown-fish figurine, and sand-dollar shaped soaps.

"I love our secluded little vacation destination, but we can always spruce it up a little," Watson said. "It would be neat to get a large glass container and fill it with beach sand, a piece of coral, and more seashells."

"It's like bringing the Pacific Ocean to us!" she added.

Watson also admitted she's had her eye on a nautical-themed light-switch-plate cover featuring a seahorse, which would further transform the tropical hideaway into the magnificent kingdom of Atlantis, a stunning underwater realm where dolphins and mermaids dance and play.

This is not the first time that Watson's home has undergone such an incredible metamorphosis. In 2004, a framed painting of two deer instantly turned the family den into a rustic hunting lodge, while in 2005, the corner of the living room became an old English cottage after a porcelain tea set and a vase with dried flowers were added to an end table.

At press time, the tranquility of the secluded tropical getaway had been shattered when Paula Watson walked in on their 16-year-old son, Christopher, masturbating to an old issue of Good Housekeeping.

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