Seating Chart Revised To Put Problem Senators Up Front

In This Section

Vol 43 Issue 49

U.S. Breath Reaches All-Time Worst

WASHINGTON—"We can no longer afford to turn our heads away and ignore this problem," Department of Breath and Human Services Secretary Michael Leavitt said.

Kidnapping British People Legal

A lawyer for the U.S. government told the Court of Appeal in London that the United States could legally kidnap citizens of other countries because...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Seating Chart Revised To Put Problem Senators Up Front

WASHINGTON—After several incidents of bipartisan name-calling and disruptive filibustering, Senate president Dick Cheney announced Monday that the congressional seating chart has been revised to put problem lawmakers up front. "I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this, but Mr. [Sen. Dick] Durbin (D-IL) and Mr. [Sen. Jim] DeMint (R-SC), among others, have shown they're not mature enough to handle sitting in the back," said Cheney, who reportedly made Durbin read a secret bill out loud in front of the entire assembly after he was caught passing it to Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-CA). "I'm not going to let a few bad apples ruin lawmaking for the senators who are here to work." Cheney added that, if the behavior problems persist, the whole Senate will be made to come into the Capitol Building to legislate on weekends.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More