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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Seating Chart Revised To Put Problem Senators Up Front

WASHINGTON—After several incidents of bipartisan name-calling and disruptive filibustering, Senate president Dick Cheney announced Monday that the congressional seating chart has been revised to put problem lawmakers up front. "I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this, but Mr. [Sen. Dick] Durbin (D-IL) and Mr. [Sen. Jim] DeMint (R-SC), among others, have shown they're not mature enough to handle sitting in the back," said Cheney, who reportedly made Durbin read a secret bill out loud in front of the entire assembly after he was caught passing it to Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-CA). "I'm not going to let a few bad apples ruin lawmaking for the senators who are here to work." Cheney added that, if the behavior problems persist, the whole Senate will be made to come into the Capitol Building to legislate on weekends.

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