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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Seattle Mariners Hope Jesus Montero Can Get Good Enough To One Day Sign With Yankees

SEATTLE—Introducing former Yankee farmhand Jesus Montero to the media Friday, the Seattle Mariners said they have high expectations for the newly acquired catching prospect, a player they hope will eventually become great enough to desert them for a hefty free-agent contract with the New York Yankees. "It is every baseball executive's dream to spend years developing a talented young man so he can then be poached by the Yankees at the peak of his ability with a disgustingly high offer you cannot possibly match," beamed Mariners general manager Jack Zduriencik, who presented Montero with both a Mariners jersey and a future Yankees jersey he might one day wear, complete with a patch mourning the death of Yogi Berra. "We'll miss Michael Pineda, but we hope Jesus can join him one day and they will win lots of world championships for the Yankees together." Zduriencik also said he will commit suicide as soon as he secures a pension for his family.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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