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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Seattle's Disastrous Sports Year Continues With Addition Of Major League Soccer Team

SEATTLE—After witnessing its baseball team finish in last place, its NFL team break its streak of five straight playoff appearances, and its NBA team leave for Oklahoma City, Seattle received another blow with the addition of a new Major League Soccer franchise, the Sounders FC.

"I mean, I sat through all 11 of the Huskies' losses, but this is worse than any of that," said Seattle resident Dusty Warren, who watched in resignation as the MLS expansion draft aired on a nearby television. "People will be wearing those jerseys and making up stupid chants for weeks before they realize they've been had. It's almost as insulting as when that WNBA team won the title." The mood in the city darkened even further when partial Sounders owner Drew Carey pledged to be a visible presence around the team and perform throughout the city year-round.

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