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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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SeaWorld Café Introduces New 5-Pound Orca Burger–Eating Challenge

SAN DIEGO—Inviting guests to “bring a big appetite” with them the next time they visit, SeaWorld officials announced Tuesday that for a limited time the marine theme park’s café will be offering a 5-Pound Orca Burger Challenge. “Stop in today and see if you have what it takes to polish off five freshly flame-broiled pounds of killer-whale meat served on a homemade bun with your choice of delicious toppings,” said SeaWorld spokesperson Lisa Doyle, adding that participants will be given 45 minutes to eat the giant ground orca patty and a side of blubber-battered fries, both of which will be prepared from scratch on site. “Anyone who can finish this whale of a sandwich within the time limit will get their picture on our Wall of Fame and, while supplies last, a free ‘I ate the big one at SeaWorld’ T-shirt!” Doyle stated that those who do not partake in the orca-burger challenge would still be able to enjoy the restaurant’s other new menu items, including baskets of curly dorsal fins and any cooked-to-order selection they pick from the choose-your-own-dolphin tank.

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