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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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SeaWorld Café Introduces New 5-Pound Orca Burger–Eating Challenge

SAN DIEGO—Inviting guests to “bring a big appetite” with them the next time they visit, SeaWorld officials announced Tuesday that for a limited time the marine theme park’s café will be offering a 5-Pound Orca Burger Challenge. “Stop in today and see if you have what it takes to polish off five freshly flame-broiled pounds of killer-whale meat served on a homemade bun with your choice of delicious toppings,” said SeaWorld spokesperson Lisa Doyle, adding that participants will be given 45 minutes to eat the giant ground orca patty and a side of blubber-battered fries, both of which will be prepared from scratch on site. “Anyone who can finish this whale of a sandwich within the time limit will get their picture on our Wall of Fame and, while supplies last, a free ‘I ate the big one at SeaWorld’ T-shirt!” Doyle stated that those who do not partake in the orca-burger challenge would still be able to enjoy the restaurant’s other new menu items, including baskets of curly dorsal fins and any cooked-to-order selection they pick from the choose-your-own-dolphin tank.

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