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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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SeaWorld Café Introduces New 5-Pound Orca Burger–Eating Challenge

SAN DIEGO—Inviting guests to “bring a big appetite” with them the next time they visit, SeaWorld officials announced Tuesday that for a limited time the marine theme park’s café will be offering a 5-Pound Orca Burger Challenge. “Stop in today and see if you have what it takes to polish off five freshly flame-broiled pounds of killer-whale meat served on a homemade bun with your choice of delicious toppings,” said SeaWorld spokesperson Lisa Doyle, adding that participants will be given 45 minutes to eat the giant ground orca patty and a side of blubber-battered fries, both of which will be prepared from scratch on site. “Anyone who can finish this whale of a sandwich within the time limit will get their picture on our Wall of Fame and, while supplies last, a free ‘I ate the big one at SeaWorld’ T-shirt!” Doyle stated that those who do not partake in the orca-burger challenge would still be able to enjoy the restaurant’s other new menu items, including baskets of curly dorsal fins and any cooked-to-order selection they pick from the choose-your-own-dolphin tank.

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