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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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SeaWorld To Discontinue Great White Shark Ride

ORLANDO, FL—Citing flagging popularity and recurrent technical problems over the attraction’s 10-year run, SeaWorld Orlando announced that it will permanently shutter its great white shark ride, officials for the theme park announced Tuesday. “Due to a number of difficulties related to maintenance costs and a mixed customer response, we have decided to shut down our great white shark ride indefinitely,” SeaWorld spokesman Robert Hawes said of the long-running attraction, which allows adults and children to touch, swim with, and ride atop 7,000-pound great white sharks in a large tank. “We had hoped that visitors of all ages would be thrilled at the chance to fall in love with these magnificent predators up close, but, regrettably, this did not prove to be the case.” Officials added that at no time during the ride were any great white sharks hurt or endangered, and that in fact they were the happiest and healthiest of all the park’s animals.

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