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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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SeaWorld To Discontinue Great White Shark Ride

ORLANDO, FL—Citing flagging popularity and recurrent technical problems over the attraction’s 10-year run, SeaWorld Orlando announced that it will permanently shutter its great white shark ride, officials for the theme park announced Tuesday. “Due to a number of difficulties related to maintenance costs and a mixed customer response, we have decided to shut down our great white shark ride indefinitely,” SeaWorld spokesman Robert Hawes said of the long-running attraction, which allows adults and children to touch, swim with, and ride atop 7,000-pound great white sharks in a large tank. “We had hoped that visitors of all ages would be thrilled at the chance to fall in love with these magnificent predators up close, but, regrettably, this did not prove to be the case.” Officials added that at no time during the ride were any great white sharks hurt or endangered, and that in fact they were the happiest and healthiest of all the park’s animals.

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