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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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SEC Replay Official Overturns 'Roe v. Wade'

TUSCALOOSA, AL—A Southeastern Conference replay official conducting a video review of a sideline catch during the Alabama-Tennessee game Saturday overturned Roe v. Wade, the 1973 U.S. Supreme Court ruling granting women the right to abortions. "Well, I certainly don't know what the refs were looking at down on the field to make that call," CBS analyst Gary Danielson said moments after the controversial ruling came in. "A woman's right to choose her reproductive future is clearly covered by the constitutional right to privacy, and that guy certainly didn't have control of the ball when he went out of bounds." Confirming the conference stood by the decision, an SEC spokesperson also said that officials would be disciplined for last week's Florida–Mississippi State game, in which a "grave error" was made when a replay call upheld both a Florida touchdown in which the ballcarrier had clearly fumbled before crossing the goal line and Brown v. Board of Education.

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