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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Second-Grade Music Student Goes Nuts With Cowbell

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Lakeview Elementary School second-grader Andrew Armbrister went completely nuts with the cowbell during music class Monday, ferociously banging on the percussive instrument for more than five minutes in an effort to produce the loudest sound humanly possible. "Ah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah," the 7-year-old Armbrister shouted atonally to augment the performance, drowning out music teacher Brenda Noonan's impassioned appeals for him to stop. Noonan told reporters that in the future, Armbrister would be assigned triangle duty.

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