adBlockCheck

Second-Grade Teacher Overhyping Third Grade

Top Headlines

Recent News

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Second-Grade Teacher Overhyping Third Grade

BERWICK, PA—April Niles, a second-grade teacher at Benjamin Franklin Elementary School, is constantly overhyping the third grade, warning her students that "expectations will be very different next year."

The third-grade-fixated Niles works with a pair of her second-graders.

"If you think [third-grade teacher] Mrs. [Bobbie] Shuler is going to stand for this kind of nonsense, you're wrong as can be," Niles said. "If she catches you kicking a desk or running in the hall, you get one warning, and then it's off to the principal. So you'd better clean up your act, because you're in for a rude awakening when you get to third grade."

Niles, 43, frequently invokes the mysterious, unknown realm of the third grade as a means of maintaining order in her classroom. She has used the tactic to get her students to stand in a straight line, remain silent during fire drills, and pay close attention to math lessons.

"You'd all better get your subtraction down, because next year you're going to need it for long division," said Niles, seeking to quell student chatter during a math lesson. "You're going to be dividing single-digit numbers into three-digit numbers, which requires subtraction, and I know for a fact that Mrs. Shuler is not going to wait for you to catch up on things you should've learned this year."

Niles is also quick to point out the many exciting perks that await the class.

"Next year, you're going to get to hold your own lunch tickets, just like in the upper grades," Niles told her students during a recent lunch period. "Won't that be exciting?"

While Niles occasionally uses the third grade as an intimidation tactic, she also uses it as a reward.

"I really envy you," said Niles after her entire class passed a test on Pennsylvania history. "When you get to third grade, you'll get to go to see these places we're learning about. You'll get to go to Philadelphia to see the Liberty Bell, and you'll get to learn more about our state's history. Maybe you'll even go to Harrisburg. I know last year's third-graders did."

Even the class pet, a hermit crab named Crabby, has given Niles occasion to describe what lies ahead for her students.

"I know how much you love Crabby," Niles said. "Well, you're all going to love next year, because Mrs. Shuler's class has a gerbil. And how well you care for Crabby this year can make all the difference. If you do really well, you can be the one to take care of the gerbil."

Though most faculty members are indifferent toward Niles' constant talk of the third grade, one teacher is concerned.

"I certainly hope those kids don't come into my class with unreasonable expectations," Shuler said. "I don't want the third grade to become a bogeyman or promised land to these kids. I just want them to come in with good attitudes and open minds, because I have a lot to teach them before they get to the really hard stuff in the fourth grade."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close