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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Second-Grader Expelled From Sex Farm

WINSLOW, OK—Controversy erupted Monday at an area sex farm/white slavery compound when second-grader Tim Hildemen was expelled for refusing to felch a llama. "This kind of inhibited behavior is totally inappropriate for our sex farm," sex farm commandant Henry Prathers said. The felching incident was to be part of a group-sex video produced by the compound leaders. Hildemen, 7, will be blindfolded, then driven in the sex-farm van to an undisclosed locale and pushed out. Summing up the reaction of an outraged community, mother Ellen Mayes said: "What kind of message does Tim's behavior send to other kids?"

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