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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Second Life Makes Dream Of Owning Fictitious Coffee Shop Come True

HAILEY, ID—As a teenager, Kerry Jarrett never thought she would have the opportunity to own and operate a completely fabricated coffee shop and performance space. But thanks to Linden Lab's popular Second Life digital world, Jarrett, 31, has turned her dream into a virtual reality.

"As long as I can remember, I've pictured myself owning a multipolygonal 3-D representation of what a coffee shop might be in the real world," said Jarrett, who has invested hundreds of real dollars and thousands of actual hours in Never Bean, her digital pseudo-business in Second Life's popular Scurfield district. "Since I've never been too interested in inventory tracking, accounting, or interacting with people except inside a complex computer simulation, running this simulated coffee shop has been the greatest experience of my life."

Jarrett's shop is popular among Second Life regulars for its atmosphere, its 24-hour availability, and its location between the T-Mobile dealership and the 10,000-foot glowing green penis.

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Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

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