NORFOLK, NE—Three days after the unexpected death of star quarterback Chad McIntyre, Norfolk High School's second-most popular kid announced Tuesday that he would immediately be assuming the duties of coolest person in school.
In a speech before a special assembly in the Norfolk High gymnasium, senior Connor Anderson said he would strive to live up to the same standards of elitism and unattainability set by the late McIntyre, whose long record of accomplishments included appearing twice on the homecoming court and fingering 17 different girls within the span of three semesters.
"Chad was truly a towering figure in this institution's history and no one will ever be able to replace him," Anderson said. "But I promise you that I will work tirelessly to honor his legacy, to become the person you both idolize and resent most in the entire school."
"I know I am just a wide receiver on the football team, and I know my car, while commendably cool, does not rise to the heights of coolness that Chad's did," continued Anderson, comparing his 2007 Ford F-150 with McIntyre's 2010 Camaro. "But I will nonetheless do my best to advance the policies put in place by my predecessor."
"I'm also almost certainly receiving a pool table for my birthday," Anderson added.
Carrying himself in a manner that many observers described as McIntyre-esque, Anderson made a "personal vow" that weaker students would continue to be punched in the arm without warning as often and as hard as ever, and that juniors would still be barred from all but the most remote spots in the student parking lot. He also promised that the parties at his house would rage just as much as McIntyre's and that the guest lists would continue to be just as ruthlessly exclusionary.
With many students expecting a dramatic shift in the school's overall social dynamic in the wake of McIntyre's death, Anderson took pains in his speech to emphasize that very few members of the student body would experience any disruption to their current status within the established popularity hierarchy.
"Let me assure you right now: I will be every bit as untouchable as Chad was," Anderson said. "In fact, 99 percent of you can begin wishing you were me almost immediately."
In an effort to ease the school's transition to the new coolness regime, Anderson confirmed that he would be keeping on several key figures from McIntyre's tenure, including oaf Eric and toady Paul, while also pledging to infuse the school's upper social stratum with new blood.
"Naturally, I will be bringing in a few new faces," Anderson said. "For example, funny guy Ted, who has been conducting himself like a major faggot lately, will be replaced by Jeremy. I think you'll all be pleased with how freakin' hilarious this guy is. And Gary will be joining us as the fat kid we force to take off his shirt and ask cheerleaders out on dates."
"And I can't tell you how grateful I am that Stephanie has chosen to stay onboard at such a pivotal time," Anderson added in reference to McIntyre's smoking-hot girlfriend. "She has already begun blowing me and will assume intercourse duties within the month. Sadly, my former girlfriend Molly will not be with us going forward, but I wish her all the best in her future endeavors."
At the conclusion of his remarks, Anderson made the transfer of power official by draping McIntyre's blue-and-gold varsity jacket over a large photo of his departed teammate. He reportedly then took a deep breath and ceremoniously popped the collar on his polo shirt.
While most students praised the swiftness of the transition, some expressed reservations about Anderson's suitability as a replacement for McIntyre.
"Chad was all I could think about," sophomore Alicia Pruitt said. "I lived for letting him copy my French homework. He's the reason I started making myself throw up. The other guy's cute, but I'm not sure he can fill Chad's shoes."
"He'd better, though," Pruitt added. "Otherwise, we'll be stuck with David."
According to sources, David Rogers, the third-most popular guy in school, is on the basketball team, drives a Corolla, and is rumored to be Jewish.