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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Second-Person Narrative Enthralling You

CHICAGO—In a piece of writing that had you intrigued from the very first clause, a second-person narrative you are reading right at this very moment is absolutely captivating you, sources reported. “Wow, I can’t believe this is happening,” you are thinking as you move through the narrative, which at first merely piqued your interest but is now completely and utterly taking hold of you, leaving you breathless with amazement. “This is incredible. Look how seamlessly my own reactions and emotions are being channeled into this marvelous piece of writing. I am absolutely eating it up.” At press time, after having delighted in a verbatim transcription of your own inner monologue, you have gained a renewed appreciation of the publication in which it is appearing, and your only regret is that its latest masterwork must now, regrettably, come to an end.

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