adBlockCheck

Local

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
End Of Section
  • More News

Secret Agent’s Back’s Always Been A Bit Hinky Ever Since He Burst Through That Skylight And Landed In Fountain

LANGLEY, VA—Saying that he “must’ve wrenched it pretty good,” Secret Agent Mark Keller informed colleagues yesterday that his back has been a bit hinky ever since that one time he crashed through a stained-glass skylight and landed in a fountain during a black-tie event last month. “If I have to rappel down an all-glass skyscraper, it’s really not that bad, maybe a few knots, but whenever I barrel roll out of a burning car before it careens off a cliff, the back’ll really flare up these days,” Keller told reporters, adding that hanging from a moving helicopter is actually good for his back because it “keeps everything good and stretched out.” “The thing is, it usually doesn’t hurt while I’m sliding down a steep rooftop while trying to dodge gunfire, it’s the next morning when I really feel it. I probably just have to take it easy the next time I jump out of a plane at 20,000 feet and parachute onto a surfacing submarine.” Keller added that he would maintain his daily routine of running and jumping from the tops of train cars, as he insists that the movement prevents his back from stiffening up.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close