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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Secret Agent’s Back’s Always Been A Bit Hinky Ever Since He Burst Through That Skylight And Landed In Fountain

LANGLEY, VA—Saying that he “must’ve wrenched it pretty good,” Secret Agent Mark Keller informed colleagues yesterday that his back has been a bit hinky ever since that one time he crashed through a stained-glass skylight and landed in a fountain during a black-tie event last month. “If I have to rappel down an all-glass skyscraper, it’s really not that bad, maybe a few knots, but whenever I barrel roll out of a burning car before it careens off a cliff, the back’ll really flare up these days,” Keller told reporters, adding that hanging from a moving helicopter is actually good for his back because it “keeps everything good and stretched out.” “The thing is, it usually doesn’t hurt while I’m sliding down a steep rooftop while trying to dodge gunfire, it’s the next morning when I really feel it. I probably just have to take it easy the next time I jump out of a plane at 20,000 feet and parachute onto a surfacing submarine.” Keller added that he would maintain his daily routine of running and jumping from the tops of train cars, as he insists that the movement prevents his back from stiffening up.

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