Secret Agent’s Back’s Always Been A Bit Hinky Ever Since He Burst Through That Skylight And Landed In Fountain

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 39

Jay Kogen

Caricature artist Jay Kogen went easy on the jowls.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Four Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week four games: 49ers at Rams OSN’s Lock Of The Week: 49ers — The 49ers will rebound after a pair of tough losses in...

Scientists Recommend Having Earth Put Down

FORT COLLINS, CO—Claiming that it is the humane thing to do, and that the planet is “just going to suffer” if kept alive any longer, members of the world’s scientific community recommended today that Earth be put down. “We re...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Secret Agent’s Back’s Always Been A Bit Hinky Ever Since He Burst Through That Skylight And Landed In Fountain

LANGLEY, VA—Saying that he “must’ve wrenched it pretty good,” Secret Agent Mark Keller informed colleagues yesterday that his back has been a bit hinky ever since that one time he crashed through a stained-glass skylight and landed in a fountain during a black-tie event last month. “If I have to rappel down an all-glass skyscraper, it’s really not that bad, maybe a few knots, but whenever I barrel roll out of a burning car before it careens off a cliff, the back’ll really flare up these days,” Keller told reporters, adding that hanging from a moving helicopter is actually good for his back because it “keeps everything good and stretched out.” “The thing is, it usually doesn’t hurt while I’m sliding down a steep rooftop while trying to dodge gunfire, it’s the next morning when I really feel it. I probably just have to take it easy the next time I jump out of a plane at 20,000 feet and parachute onto a surfacing submarine.” Keller added that he would maintain his daily routine of running and jumping from the tops of train cars, as he insists that the movement prevents his back from stiffening up.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More