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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Secret Service Agent Learning A Lot From Malia’s ‘18th Century European History’ Seminar

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Admitting that he thought it was going to be really boring at first, Secret Service agent Steven Rossi reported Wednesday that he was actually learning a lot from Malia Obama’s 18th century European history class. “I wasn’t looking forward to this, but the professor has been really great at explaining how the concept of modern nation-states developed during this time,” said Rossi, who praised the way the Harvard course wove together political, cultural, and economic events to create a comprehensive and engaging narrative for the period. “It was great how he provided the context to connect the French Revolution with the Seven Years War and the collapse of Spain as a global power, and then explained how all that stuff from the 1700s shaped the Europe of today. This is way better than Malia’s intro to sociology class. God, I hope she doesn’t major in that.” Rossi went on to say he was hoping Malia would have to go to office hours soon because he had a bunch of questions for the professor.

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