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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Secret Service Agent Not So Secret About Being David Alan Grier Fan

WASHINGTON, DC—Although Secret Service Special Agent Michael Schilling is adept at assuming a low profile while protecting the president, he can't help betraying his admiration for his idol, comedian and former Blankman star David Alan Grier, sources said Tuesday. "While on counter-sniper duty, sometimes Michael will get on the headset and talk about what hilarious thing Grier did in a similar situation on DAG," said fellow agent John Matthews, referring to the short-lived 2000 sitcom in which Grier played a Secret Service agent. "We can't even file a simple report without him relating everything to an In Living Color sketch." Schilling is currently facing disciplinary suspension after he followed Dick Cheney to the podium before a recent speech to insist that the vice president borrow one of his DVDs of DAG's first season.
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