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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Secret Service Agent Not So Secret About Being David Alan Grier Fan

WASHINGTON, DC—Although Secret Service Special Agent Michael Schilling is adept at assuming a low profile while protecting the president, he can't help betraying his admiration for his idol, comedian and former Blankman star David Alan Grier, sources said Tuesday. "While on counter-sniper duty, sometimes Michael will get on the headset and talk about what hilarious thing Grier did in a similar situation on DAG," said fellow agent John Matthews, referring to the short-lived 2000 sitcom in which Grier played a Secret Service agent. "We can't even file a simple report without him relating everything to an In Living Color sketch." Schilling is currently facing disciplinary suspension after he followed Dick Cheney to the podium before a recent speech to insist that the vice president borrow one of his DVDs of DAG's first season.
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