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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Secret Service Agent Not So Secret About Being David Alan Grier Fan

WASHINGTON, DC—Although Secret Service Special Agent Michael Schilling is adept at assuming a low profile while protecting the president, he can't help betraying his admiration for his idol, comedian and former Blankman star David Alan Grier, sources said Tuesday. "While on counter-sniper duty, sometimes Michael will get on the headset and talk about what hilarious thing Grier did in a similar situation on DAG," said fellow agent John Matthews, referring to the short-lived 2000 sitcom in which Grier played a Secret Service agent. "We can't even file a simple report without him relating everything to an In Living Color sketch." Schilling is currently facing disciplinary suspension after he followed Dick Cheney to the podium before a recent speech to insist that the vice president borrow one of his DVDs of DAG's first season.

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