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Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday.
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Secret Service Shuts Down Biden’s Unofficial White House Tour Operation

WASHINGTON—Encouraging the group of visitors that he was showing around the Roosevelt Room to “fucking hightail it,” vice president Joe Biden was reportedly stopped by “killjoy” Secret Service members Tuesday who moved quickly to shut down his unofficial White House tour. “I provide a legit service at a discount, unlike that rinky-dink official tour where you don’t get to peep half as much cool-ass shit, but those glorified security guards had to go and put the kibosh on it,” said Biden, who had reportedly been making some extra cash on the side by approaching groups of tourists waiting in line outside the White House and asking them if they wanted to see the “real deal,” before sneaking ahead into the West Wing to check if the coast was clear. “The actual tour is a huge ripoff, but Diamond Joe’s Ultimate Sightseeing Adventure shows you stuff that’s not on any map. Listen, there’s some shit that Barry doesn’t even know is here, and I was letting people in on it for a totally reasonable price. Plus, I give people way more bang for their buck with all the trippy strobe lights and dry ice in the basement, not to mention the fact that all of Uncle Joe’s guests get to snag a bitchin’ lamp or clock at the end.” At press time, Biden was reportedly lamenting that his most recent group of visitors missed out on seeing the historical spot where he mistook an 18th-century chest of drawers for a urinal while “completely tanked.”

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