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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Secret Service Shuts Down Biden’s Unofficial White House Tour Operation

WASHINGTON—Encouraging the group of visitors that he was showing around the Roosevelt Room to “fucking hightail it,” vice president Joe Biden was reportedly stopped by “killjoy” Secret Service members Tuesday who moved quickly to shut down his unofficial White House tour. “I provide a legit service at a discount, unlike that rinky-dink official tour where you don’t get to peep half as much cool-ass shit, but those glorified security guards had to go and put the kibosh on it,” said Biden, who had reportedly been making some extra cash on the side by approaching groups of tourists waiting in line outside the White House and asking them if they wanted to see the “real deal,” before sneaking ahead into the West Wing to check if the coast was clear. “The actual tour is a huge ripoff, but Diamond Joe’s Ultimate Sightseeing Adventure shows you stuff that’s not on any map. Listen, there’s some shit that Barry doesn’t even know is here, and I was letting people in on it for a totally reasonable price. Plus, I give people way more bang for their buck with all the trippy strobe lights and dry ice in the basement, not to mention the fact that all of Uncle Joe’s guests get to snag a bitchin’ lamp or clock at the end.” At press time, Biden was reportedly lamenting that his most recent group of visitors missed out on seeing the historical spot where he mistook an 18th-century chest of drawers for a urinal while “completely tanked.”

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Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

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