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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Secret Service's Prostitution Scandal Did Not Affect President's Security, White House Adviser Madame Chartreuse Says

WASHINGTON—The alleged misconduct of Secret Service personnel accused of soliciting prostitutes in Colombia last month did not at any time compromise President Obama's security, longtime White House adviser Madame Chartreuse said during a press conference today. "My girls know the rules: Be discreet about everything you see and never take in agents who are on duty, no exceptions," said Madame Chartreuse, adjusting her pearl-buttoned crimson corset as she lit a brown cigarillo and sipped from a snifter of absinthe. "I run a classy operation, just ask anyone. Johns gotta wash up beforehand, no slappin' the girls around, and no opium." Madame Chartreuse added that anyone who sees "that no-good son-of-a-bitch [Vice President] Joe Biden" should tell him that, if he wants his embroidered leather trousers back, he will have to pay for all the stained-glass lamp shades he's broken.

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