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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Web Series Reaches 100 Views

A comedic webisode about two roommates became a viral sensation this week after reaching the unprecedented 100 view milestone.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Secret Service's Prostitution Scandal Did Not Affect President's Security, White House Adviser Madame Chartreuse Says

WASHINGTON—The alleged misconduct of Secret Service personnel accused of soliciting prostitutes in Colombia last month did not at any time compromise President Obama's security, longtime White House adviser Madame Chartreuse said during a press conference today. "My girls know the rules: Be discreet about everything you see and never take in agents who are on duty, no exceptions," said Madame Chartreuse, adjusting her pearl-buttoned crimson corset as she lit a brown cigarillo and sipped from a snifter of absinthe. "I run a classy operation, just ask anyone. Johns gotta wash up beforehand, no slappin' the girls around, and no opium." Madame Chartreuse added that anyone who sees "that no-good son-of-a-bitch [Vice President] Joe Biden" should tell him that, if he wants his embroidered leather trousers back, he will have to pay for all the stained-glass lamp shades he's broken.

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