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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Secret Service's Prostitution Scandal Did Not Affect President's Security, White House Adviser Madame Chartreuse Says

WASHINGTON—The alleged misconduct of Secret Service personnel accused of soliciting prostitutes in Colombia last month did not at any time compromise President Obama's security, longtime White House adviser Madame Chartreuse said during a press conference today. "My girls know the rules: Be discreet about everything you see and never take in agents who are on duty, no exceptions," said Madame Chartreuse, adjusting her pearl-buttoned crimson corset as she lit a brown cigarillo and sipped from a snifter of absinthe. "I run a classy operation, just ask anyone. Johns gotta wash up beforehand, no slappin' the girls around, and no opium." Madame Chartreuse added that anyone who sees "that no-good son-of-a-bitch [Vice President] Joe Biden" should tell him that, if he wants his embroidered leather trousers back, he will have to pay for all the stained-glass lamp shades he's broken.

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