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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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‘Secretary Clinton Is A Different Person Than Donald Trump,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Ringing Endorsement

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Putting aside the policy disagreements and occasional acrimony that marked the pair’s heated, months-long presidential primary election contest, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders offered a ringing endorsement of Hillary Clinton today by stating that she is a different person than Donald Trump. “Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are separate people,” said Sanders, throwing his support behind Clinton in a rousing 25-second speech in which he praised the former secretary of state as someone who has a different name than the Republican nominee and who is altogether a distinct being from him. “Donald Trump is one person and Hillary Clinton is another person. They are not the same person.” Sanders then reportedly concluded the resounding endorsement by stating that “Hillary Clinton is a choice for president,” before exhaling audibly and walking quietly off the stage.

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