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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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‘Secretary Clinton Is A Different Person Than Donald Trump,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Ringing Endorsement

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Putting aside the policy disagreements and occasional acrimony that marked the pair’s heated, months-long presidential primary election contest, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders offered a ringing endorsement of Hillary Clinton today by stating that she is a different person than Donald Trump. “Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are separate people,” said Sanders, throwing his support behind Clinton in a rousing 25-second speech in which he praised the former secretary of state as someone who has a different name than the Republican nominee and who is altogether a distinct being from him. “Donald Trump is one person and Hillary Clinton is another person. They are not the same person.” Sanders then reportedly concluded the resounding endorsement by stating that “Hillary Clinton is a choice for president,” before exhaling audibly and walking quietly off the stage.

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