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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Secretary Of Interior Announces $400 Million Initiative To Preserve Self For Future Generations To Enjoy

WASHINGTON—In an effort to safeguard the treasured official against further weathering, Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke announced a $400 million initiative Tuesday to preserve himself for future generations to enjoy. “This measure is a crucial step toward ensuring that our children and our children’s children are not forced to live in a world where they cannot bask in the natural beauty and breathtaking splendor of me,” said Zinke, adding that it would be “a national tragedy” if people as soon as a few decades from now were deprived of his majestic blue eyes. “From shoring up my rapidly diminishing hair reserves to reinforcing the cracks and faults that have developed across my face and body, the funding will help protect this great Cabinet official for many, many years. Without the proper care, I could very soon deteriorate to the point where our country is left with no Ryan Zinke at all—and how will we explain that to our grandkids?” Zinke went on to say it would be a grave injustice if the closest future generations ever got to his spectacular grandeur were a mere archived photo from the Interior Department website.

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