adBlockCheck

Recent News

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
End Of Section
  • More News

Secretary Of Interior Unveils Plans For New High-Speed Creek

WASHINGTON—Calling the $650 million project the “future of America’s pastoral waterways,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell unveiled the agency’s plans for a new high-speed creek Thursday that would reportedly connect Weybridge, VT with the adjacent town of Addison. “When the new creek is completed in 2018, it will not only be the fastest tributary in the nation, but also a vital conduit for the quick and efficient transport of leaves, small sticks, and light sediment through the poorly drained western Vermont rural corridor,” said Jewell, who noted that the cutting-edge, streamlined creek would flow at nearly twice the rate of the nation’s network of outdated and meandering brooks. “With a span of nearly 8 feet between banks and water that’s upwards of knee-deep, this creek will be unlike anything you currently see crossing the country, and will all but eliminate the problem of fallen branch congestion. This is an important first step in catching up to the modern, ultra-fast creeks seen in highly advanced Asian countrysides.” While favored by the Obama administration, high-speed creeks have been criticized by a number of experts as poor investments better suited for the smaller backcountries of Europe and Japan, with many arguing that America’s abundance of vast open expanses meant the Interior Department should instead focus its energies on improving and facilitating the nation’s gusts.

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close