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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Secretary Of Agriculture Gently Reminded About Dress Code

WASHINGTON, DC— After attending Monday's Cabinet meeting in a flannel work shirt
and tattered jeans, Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman was gently reminded by President
Bush about the executive-branch dress code. "Say, you know, we get a lot of foreign
dignitaries coming through here," Bush told Veneman. "So I think it might be a
good idea if you had a little bit more of a professional appearance. Like maybe a nice
navy-blue dress." Bush also encouraged Veneman to consider dress shoes instead of her
usual steel-toe work boots.

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