Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

Secretary Of Defense Humiliated As U.S. Credit Card Rejected

ST. LOUIS—An attempt to build international goodwill backfired horribly for Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld Monday, when he was unable to pick up the tab for Australian Defense Minister Sen. Robert Hill's order of 11 Apache AH-64 helicopters using the U.S.'s credit card.

Myers looks on as Rumsfeld holds the rejected credit card.

"It was extraordinarily embarrassing for poor Donald," said Hill, who visited the Boeing production facility with Rumsfeld and Joint Chief of Staff Richard Myers. "He'd been going on for the entire tour about how America was stronger than it had ever been, and then that happened. He turned red as a beet."

The credit card, a Fort Knox Executive Club Visa granted to the U.S. during the Clinton Administration, had an assigned $300 million credit line. When the country accrued a balance approaching the limit in 1995, the credit-card company awarded the U.S. additional credit. According to a Visa representative who spoke on the condition of anonymity, the company granted extensions 14 times since then, but as of Monday, the card had never been rejected outright.

Boeing sales representative Alonso Martinez said that he attempted to charge the 11 $21.4 million helicopters, for a total of $235.4 million, to the card at approximately 4 p.m.

"Sir, your card was denied," Martinez told Rumsfeld in a lowered voice. "Do you have another one we could try?"

According to Martinez, Rumsfeld became flustered and insisted that the problem rested with Boeing's credit-card reader.

"That card's good," Rumsfeld said. "Run it again."

As Martinez went into a back room to run the charge again, Rumsfeld assured Hill that "there must be some kind of mix-up."

"You can tell Boeing didn't engineer the card machine," Rumsfeld said, smiling nervously. "If they had, it wouldn't have all these glitches. Well, I suppose that right now, we need Boeing to be focused on the war effort."

Hill, who had accepted Rumsfeld's offer to pay for his new attack helicopters during an exclusive tour of Boeing's 220-acre military aircraft facility outside St. Louis, mumbled in agreement.

When Martinez returned a second time, he took Rumsfeld aside.

"Seems nobody's paid the balance on this guy for the past four months, sir," Martinez said. "Unless you can work it out with the card company, I'll have to physically destroy the card. Terribly sorry, sir."

Martinez escorted Rumsfeld to his office, dialed the number on the back of the card, and handed the phone to the defense secretary.

"It appears the White House had just used the card for some lawyer fees, and then the CIA threw a huge going-away party for someone," Atlanta-based Visa customer-service representative Tracy Waterson said. "There's a hold on use of the card until Congress approves the next budget allocation."

Waterson was unmoved by Rumsfeld's demand for a credit extension.

"We've got to draw the line somewhere, Mr. Rumsfield [sic], and this just happens to be where we do it," Waterson said. "Last April, you told us you'd start repaying us in a month or two, when you finished the Iraq war. We understand that you've run into some complications on your end, and we have tried to accommodate your needs, but we're concerned that you may be accumulating too much debt."

Added Waterson: "We're not going to close your account, but we are going to freeze your borrowing for a couple of months, until we see a change in your administration's fiscal situation. I'm afraid that's all I can do. I'd be happy to transfer you to one of our debt-management consultants who can provide you with some tips for—"

Quickly hanging up the phone, Rumsfeld told Martinez that there was a problem with the company's computer, but that Martinez should load the helicopters onto the supply convoy and bill the U.S. government.

"Sir, we very much appreciate your business, and we look forward to working with you again just as soon as you get your credit issues sorted out," Martinez said, glancing apologetically at Hill. "But let's just call it a day, now, shall we?"


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close