adBlockCheck

Secretary Of Education Forced To Take Up Stripping To Put Nation Through School

Top Headlines

Recent News

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Secretary Of Education Forced To Take Up Stripping To Put Nation Through School

Secretary of Education Arne Duncan performing onstage as Velvet.
Secretary of Education Arne Duncan performing onstage as Velvet.

TAMPA, FL—Saying it was his only real option to earn much-needed cash, U.S. Education Secretary Arne Duncan told reporters Tuesday he had been forced to start working as an erotic dancer at the local strip club Peaches in order to put the nation’s students through school.

Duncan, who has reportedly struggled for years to make ends meet and pay school bills, claimed that he was earning “great” money by dancing naked for customers and that he was now much closer to fulfilling his dream of providing a first-class education for America’s children.

“Taking off your clothes in front of strangers isn’t for everyone, but I’m confident in my body, and regardless, I need to get the money somehow,” said Duncan, who performs under the stage name Velvet. “I’m not planning on doing this forever, just until all 49.8 million kids in our public elementary and secondary schools can graduate. Then I can go back to my regular job.”

“This place is pretty upscale, so on a good night, I can walk out of here with $1,500 in tips,” he added. “And that buys a whole lot of textbooks.”

While Duncan initially expressed concerns that stripping might be a degrading or humiliating experience, the 48-year-old government official gradually grew more comfortable in the setting after realizing every lap dance would provide much-needed learning materials for American students.

Sources said his inhibitions soon disappeared completely, and the Cabinet member became a favorite among the all-nude club’s clientele, twirling effortlessly while hanging upside down on the pole at center stage and finishing every erotic routine with his garter bulging with bills of all denominations.

“At first, I had a few hang-ups about being ogled while spreading my legs in a skimpy little G-string,” said the education secretary, adding that he is no longer timid about gyrating his crotch in patrons’ faces. “I thought the customers would all be creepy and perverted, but you know what? Most of them are just kind of lonely, and some of them are actually really sweet.”

“They think it’s great that I’m doing this to buy school supplies for every child age 5 to 18 in the country,” Duncan continued. “I don’t know if my parents would be so understanding. I haven’t told them what I do.”

According to strip joint sources, the nation’s highest-ranking education official is known for chatting up patrons at the bar with ease, and promising to make the wildest fantasies of the “big spenders” come true as part of an effort to close the shortfalls in his department’s $68 billion budget.

Tom Sericati, the manager of Peaches, said that he was impressed by the hard work the former superintendent of Chicago Public Schools put into his choreographed routine for the INXS song “Mystify,” incorporating a number of acrobatic moves that Sericati said were “very provocative” and never failed to “really get the crowd going.”

“Arne is in total control when he’s strutting across the stage—our regulars are always asking for more Velvet,” Sericati said. “He’s got some really sexy moves.”

“Nice little caboose back there, too,” Sericati added.

Duncan, who charges a higher rate for private dances in the champagne room, confirmed he could earn a little extra for academic resources and technology upgrades if he were willing to “blur the lines” of the club’s no-touching rule and grind on customers’ genitals until they reach climax.

“I’ll admit that stripping is exhausting and at times soul-wrenching, but then I think about 16-year-old John Henderson in Omaha, 11-year-old Stephanie Brown in Houston, and all of the other kids in the nation’s 98,817 public schools, and I just want them to have the opportunity to finish high school,” Duncan said. “And then I figure if I push it a little farther and rub up against a couple patrons each night, I might be able to get every kid through college.”

“It’s like what I was saying to Sapphire and Destiny,” Duncan added. “At least I’m not selling drugs to pay for streets and bridges like [Transportation Secretary] Ray LaHood.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close