adBlockCheck

Secretary Of Education Forced To Take Up Stripping To Put Nation Through School

Top Headlines

Recent News

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Secretary Of Education Forced To Take Up Stripping To Put Nation Through School

Secretary of Education Arne Duncan performing onstage as Velvet.
Secretary of Education Arne Duncan performing onstage as Velvet.

TAMPA, FL—Saying it was his only real option to earn much-needed cash, U.S. Education Secretary Arne Duncan told reporters Tuesday he had been forced to start working as an erotic dancer at the local strip club Peaches in order to put the nation’s students through school.

Duncan, who has reportedly struggled for years to make ends meet and pay school bills, claimed that he was earning “great” money by dancing naked for customers and that he was now much closer to fulfilling his dream of providing a first-class education for America’s children.

“Taking off your clothes in front of strangers isn’t for everyone, but I’m confident in my body, and regardless, I need to get the money somehow,” said Duncan, who performs under the stage name Velvet. “I’m not planning on doing this forever, just until all 49.8 million kids in our public elementary and secondary schools can graduate. Then I can go back to my regular job.”

“This place is pretty upscale, so on a good night, I can walk out of here with $1,500 in tips,” he added. “And that buys a whole lot of textbooks.”

While Duncan initially expressed concerns that stripping might be a degrading or humiliating experience, the 48-year-old government official gradually grew more comfortable in the setting after realizing every lap dance would provide much-needed learning materials for American students.

Sources said his inhibitions soon disappeared completely, and the Cabinet member became a favorite among the all-nude club’s clientele, twirling effortlessly while hanging upside down on the pole at center stage and finishing every erotic routine with his garter bulging with bills of all denominations.

“At first, I had a few hang-ups about being ogled while spreading my legs in a skimpy little G-string,” said the education secretary, adding that he is no longer timid about gyrating his crotch in patrons’ faces. “I thought the customers would all be creepy and perverted, but you know what? Most of them are just kind of lonely, and some of them are actually really sweet.”

“They think it’s great that I’m doing this to buy school supplies for every child age 5 to 18 in the country,” Duncan continued. “I don’t know if my parents would be so understanding. I haven’t told them what I do.”

According to strip joint sources, the nation’s highest-ranking education official is known for chatting up patrons at the bar with ease, and promising to make the wildest fantasies of the “big spenders” come true as part of an effort to close the shortfalls in his department’s $68 billion budget.

Tom Sericati, the manager of Peaches, said that he was impressed by the hard work the former superintendent of Chicago Public Schools put into his choreographed routine for the INXS song “Mystify,” incorporating a number of acrobatic moves that Sericati said were “very provocative” and never failed to “really get the crowd going.”

“Arne is in total control when he’s strutting across the stage—our regulars are always asking for more Velvet,” Sericati said. “He’s got some really sexy moves.”

“Nice little caboose back there, too,” Sericati added.

Duncan, who charges a higher rate for private dances in the champagne room, confirmed he could earn a little extra for academic resources and technology upgrades if he were willing to “blur the lines” of the club’s no-touching rule and grind on customers’ genitals until they reach climax.

“I’ll admit that stripping is exhausting and at times soul-wrenching, but then I think about 16-year-old John Henderson in Omaha, 11-year-old Stephanie Brown in Houston, and all of the other kids in the nation’s 98,817 public schools, and I just want them to have the opportunity to finish high school,” Duncan said. “And then I figure if I push it a little farther and rub up against a couple patrons each night, I might be able to get every kid through college.”

“It’s like what I was saying to Sapphire and Destiny,” Duncan added. “At least I’m not selling drugs to pay for streets and bridges like [Transportation Secretary] Ray LaHood.”

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close